Where I See You

Moving Again

2010-11-14T19:34:00.003-05:00

After numerous revisions and late nights, I’ve realized that web design is not my forte. I have moved my design portfolio to this new site, powered by WordPress, so that visitors can focus on the strength of my photography and print design rather than become distracted by a mediocre website. I also appreciate the capability of this site to merge my portfolio and my blog into one entity, as well as provide space for viewer feedback.

This will also be the new location of my blog, so you can expect to see more written posts on that site. All previous posts have also been moved to this new blog. At some point in the future, I plan on transferring my domain name from my old portfolio to this new site. At that point, my blog and portfolio would be accessed at cindyagoncillo.com. Until then, visit http://cindyagoncillo.wordpress.com

A Message to Our Youth

2010-07-19T23:52:00.003-04:00

Dear Children,

Please restore my hope in the future of our society. Make good decisions and life choices. Respect yourselves and respect others. Tell the truth. To those who have already chosen to lead lives of honor and integrity, thank you. May society follow your example.

Sincerely,

Cindy

Boston Impressions, so far

2010-07-11T17:44:00.006-04:00

I've been in Boston for 3 weeks now (halfway through the summer) and really haven't had much time to blog. It feels like I haven't had much time to write lately, whether in Pennsylvania or in Boston, but compared to last year, free time seems to be lacking. Maybe it's the scorching heat that keeps me indoors? For whatever reason, I've been exploring less, reading less, reflecting less.

Last year, I would go outside, maybe read by the river for a while, and then walk with no set destination. I would eventually make it back to the dorm about 3 miles later. I have yet to do that this summer. I am slowly making my way through C.S. Lewis' Mere Christianity. Last year I finished 3 or 4 books and short stories. I have 3 other books on my dorm room shelf that might return to Pennsylvania unopened. I also brought my journal along with me and threw a blank journal into my luggage just in case. I haven't written in either one yet. At the end of the day, I just get too tired to think about, let alone write about, my day. I don't know if I will have the motivation to catch up on journaling until after this summer.

I haven't hung out in the boys' dorm nearly as much this year. By this time last year, I pretty much knew all of the boys' full names and probably life stories. Right now, I'm doing dinner check-ins for the 14 to 17 year olds, and I'm still asking for their names (granted, there are twice as many boys this year as last year). The boys' dorm is no longer next door to the girls' dorm, so it is more difficult to stop by for a few minutes just to hang out. Also, the TV room is on the opposite side of the building from the office. Last year it was all in the same room, and the boys would watch movies or play games while we sat at the computer. We got to participate in some interesting, sometimes profound, conversations and discussions. This year, however, I have gone deeper than surface level with only a select few.

The staff feels different this year, too. Not better, not worse - just different. We are still too overqualified for the work that we do. We still have an eclectic mix of personalities, backgrounds, and interests. And we still have some internal issues. Communication seems to be a little more difficult this year. "Dropping the ball" is a phrase that has been used on more than one occasion this summer. However, there have been changes in procedure around here. We are all getting used to new systems and new methods of communication. Until we all have an understanding of how everything works, things are bound to fall through the cracks.

In spite of professional difficulties, friendships have formed easily among the staff. As a new staff person last year I perceived somewhat of a clique among the returners. This year, it seems like the line is pretty blurred between new staff and returners, even without intentionally seeking out friendships with the new people. The new people I have met this summer are pretty great, though. More than last year, I have found people with similar morals and interests, people who will join me for church services on Sunday, and people who don't mind staying in while others go to the bar. I didn't think I would find these kinds of people on staff this year, so I was originally hesitant to return to Boston. Who knew that a significant portion of staff would be just the kind of person I was hoping to find? I've enjoyed spending time with some of the women on staff, talking about worship through dance, desires for our faith, and how wonderful God truly is.

The children are interesting. They are more social with each other and more friendly with me than I had expected. All the girls on my floor are 16 or 17, a bit older than last year. Going into this summer, my expectations for socialization were set pretty low, so it wasn't too difficult to exceed them. We have reached a point, though, where they are tired of hearing me talk at floor meetings, and I am tired of trying to talk over them. It's moments like the floor meetings when I am glad I did not become a teacher. I would have gotten too frustrated with classroom management and attempting to assert myself.

They are teaching me about the parent I would like to become, should I have children in the future. I'd like to think I won't become a helicopter parent and that my children will be perfectly fine speaking for themselves. I don't want to hover over them every moment of their lives and do everything for them until they are completely incapable of independence. I want to raise my children to say please and thank you, to treat other people with respect, and not to take anything for granted. While there are standout "good kids" with positive attitudes and impeccable manners, those who complain are more outspoken. They don't understand why they can't get whatever they want, why they can't expect people to clean up after them wherever they go, why they should call people by their names instead of by their home country, or why "I'm paying for this" is not always a valid argument. Some of the children have a strong sense of entitlement, expecting the world to bend over backwards for their pleasure. Sometimes it is difficult to determine if this is just typical teenage egocentrism and selfishness, but after hearing parents voice their opinions just as strongly, it is evident that the family shares a limited world view occupied by misperceived privilege. They may be used to buying their way to satisfaction and living lives without consequences. They lack the ability to see the broader picture and the perspective to understand that while they want more than what is given, they ought to be thankful for what they have.

3 May 2010

2010-05-03T17:21:00.004-04:00

Originally uploaded by wellspring4_23

3 May 2010 - The Tennesseean (Nashville)
"Overwhelmed"
Read a related article here:
www.tennessean.com/article/20100503/NEWS01/5030329/1001/n...

2 May 2010

2010-05-03T17:17:00.002-04:00

Originally uploaded by wellspring4_23

2 May 2010 - New York Post
"TIMES SCARE: Gasoline bomb parked in middle of Broadway"
Read the article here: www.nypost.com/p/news/local/napolitano_bomb_not_part_of_l...

1 May 2010

2010-05-03T17:16:00.003-04:00

Originally uploaded by wellspring4_23

1 May 2010 - Chicago Tribune
"They've got rhythm (If they could just get a little respect)"
Read the article here: shar.es/mcOtO

New Art Series

2010-05-02T07:58:00.002-04:00

After last weekend's trip to Washington D.C. and the Newseum, I was inspired to begin a new art series that graphically interprets headlines from the Newseum's "Today's Front Pages". Similar to On Kawara's date paintings, each piece is begun and completed in one day. May 1st was my first piece, and I will begin posting them in a Flickr gallery called "From the Front Page".

Thoughts from the Sky

2010-02-09T13:02:00.000-05:00

As we left Baltimore, the ground was covered with snow as far as the eye could see. The further we ascended into the sky, the snow seamlessly transitioned into clouds until the white was no longer below us but around us. During the flight, I began reading “Simple Spirituality: Learning to See God in a Broken World” by Christopher L. Heuertz. His first chapter commented on his thoughts of true humility, and as I looked out on the vastness of white outside my window, I couldn’t help but feel humbled.

Looking down at the ground on the flight to Dallas reminded me of Brent Good’s work. I wonder if he found his inspiration traveling between PA and Dallas during his grad school years.

A change of perspective can be everything. Flying above the storm clouds reveals only blue sky and sunshine, while standing below gives you only darkness and rain.

Clouds make me want to jump into a swimming pool full of cotton balls.

"By the Grace of God I Am What I Am"

2010-01-10T12:43:00.003-05:00

This is a long overdue post that I meant to write on November 30, when I was reading Oswald Chambers' "My Utmost for His Highest." And by write, I mean tell you all the great things that Oswald Chambers has to say.

"By the grace of God I am what I am, and His grace toward me was not in vain..." - 1 Corinthians 15:10"

The way we continually talk about our own inabilities is an insult to our Creator. To complain over our incompetence is to accuse God falsely of having overlooked us. [...] Never worry about whether what you say sounds humble before others or not. But always be humble before God, and allow Him to be your all in all. There is only one relationship that really matters, and that is your personal relationship to your personal Redeemer and Lord. If you maintain that at all costs, letting everything else go, God will fulfill His purpose through your life. One individual life may be of priceless value to God's purposes, and yours may be that life.

We complain about our incompetency as much as we acknowledge our imperfection, all in an attempt to achieve some sense of humility. I think, though, that we forget that the standard for perfection is different from the standard for competency. God created perfection; God is perfection. Compared to Jesus' example, we all fall short. We are imperfect. Competency is world-created, based on the people in our lives and in this world who seem to do certain things particularly well. We strive to meet their standard and complain when we do not reach it, but perhaps not all standards of competency are ours to meet.

Circumstances & Glee Episode 9: Wheels

2009-11-18T19:36:00.004-05:00

The other night while driving through my neighborhood, I saw an old man, perhaps in his late 60s, getting into his car. He drove a dark green sedan, and on the roof of the car was a dimly lit "Papa John's" sign. My first feeling was sadness as I wondered why this man had to deliver pizzas. Perhaps he was just laid off by the company he dedicated many years to, and in this rough economic period, pizza delivery was the only choice. Or perhaps he had retired last year only to discover that his pension is not enough to sustain him and his family. But then I realized, how can I make assumptions about this man's circumstances? And who am I to pass judgment on the pizza delivery job as a "last resort" opportunity? I have no idea what this man's story is, whether he drives that green sedan for extra income or for his own desire to spend his free time anywhere but in front of the TV.

People have their own stories, their reasons for what they do and who they are. There's probably a reason why this one woman I know has been divorced at least twice, why that one boy at school always wears a super-long scarf, or why that beautiful girl everyone is jealous of thinks so poorly of herself. And from last week's episode of Glee, we see that there is a reason why Tina stutters and why Sue would accept a girl with Down's Syndrome onto the Cheerios (and perhaps a glimpse at why Sue is so negative and emotionally destructive).

Sure, things make a lot of sense when you hear the whole story, and that makes me curious about the big picture. But the bigger question here: should you treat others differently once you see the big picture? We might pity the boy with the scarf rather than consider him odd when the scarf transforms from a symbol of eccentricity to a memento of a lost loved one. Or maybe we deny Papa John compassion upon the discovery that his delivery job is an excuse to get out of the house and away from the family. Or we go from hating Glee villain Sue Sylvester to feeling sympathetic toward her. I guess what I'm really asking is this: If we loved others as we were called to love, why should circumstances change the way we view and treat other people?

*Sorry for not including quotes, as I normally do with my Glee posts. Having a job and being in the real world makes it harder to watch each episode at least twice, like I used to do.

Pay Day

2009-11-06T22:23:00.003-05:00

"I guess this is your official welcome," said the VP of my office, as she handed me my very first paycheck of my first post-graduate, "real world", putting-the-degree-to-use JOB. For three weeks I have been going into that office and working on different projects, but tearing off those perforated edges seemed to make everything a bit more real. It kind of hit me this morning as I got out of my car and headed into the office: I'm going to work. I'm not going to class or just visiting this place. I am going into this building, as I do every Monday through Friday, to work. Every weekday, I go into an office where my time is worth something (right now, it's not worth that much, and even less after taxes). And every two weeks, the company shows me how much they value my time (and every month, I show my landlord how much I value having a place to live).

So far, everything has been going well. I'm currently juggling a couple projects, and my boss is impressed with how much progress I have made on them. It will be a great moment to receive my projects back from the printer and hold my work in my hands. As I have been working on these projects, I have come to appreciate my graphics professor's "client-based" approach to teaching and grading our work. I turn in version after version and receive revision after revision, until at last, the client (my boss) is pleased with what she sees. Though sometimes I don't understand why she wants what she wants, I am able to disassociate myself from the work. When an idea is shot down, I don't have to go down with it. As my co-worker told me during my first days at the office, "If she changes everything you did, don't take it personally." My co-workers are really great and make working a lot of fun. Today, the art department had a Pixie Stix eating contest, which ended up being more of a joke than a competition. At least once a day, I hear, "That reminds me of this one movie..." or "Who was that guy who was in...". Lunch consists of half an hour of Sports Center or cheesy sci-fi movies, and when the opportunity arises, practical jokes are sure to happen.

Lessons from the Ballroom

2009-10-27T21:44:00.002-04:00

I've been wanting to get back to dancing for a while now, and tonight I started a 4-week ballroom crash course. We learned the foundational rules of ballroom and the basic steps of the waltz. Next week, we tackle the foxtrot. Reverence Studios, where I'm going, is a Christian studio, meaning we begin class with prayer and the teachers are currently working on a production based on the parables and message of Jesus. Our teacher, Sarah, prayed that we would see the parallels between dance and our relationship with God. The similarities were everywhere!

One that stuck out to me was when Sarah talked about leading. We tend to focus on where we want to go and head in that direction, but we need to wait for the Man's cue to tell us where to go. He may want us to go right and lead us in that direction, but if we are so intent on going left, we are only going to trip. It is also the Man's responsibility to lead His partner is the right direction, to move His partner forward and keep an eye out for obstacles.

Also in ballroom dancing, you have to engage all of your muscles the entire time. If your arms get tired, you can't just give up and collapse onto your partner, expecting Him to dance for you. However, the Man is dancing with you the entire time and maintains a strong frame to support His partner. The beauty of the waltz is in the partnership. It's all about the two people moving as one unit and the inability of the audience to distinguish the dancer from the Partner.

From the Wisdom of Oswald Chambers

2009-10-24T21:37:00.003-04:00

Lately I have been reading from Oswald Chambers' "My Utmost for His Highest." This week has offered a lot of great thoughts and verses to motivate and inspire. Though Oswald Chambers died in 1917, his words carry an air of relevancy in the 21st century.

From "The Key to the Missionary's Devotion":
"Our Lord told us how our love for Him is to exhibit itself when He asked, 'Do you love me?' (John 21:17). And then He said, 'Feed My sheep.' In effect, He said, 'Identify yourself with My interests in other people,' not, 'Identify Me with your interests in other people.' ... The key to the missionary's devotion is that he is attached to nothing and to no one except our Lord Himself. It does not mean simply being detached from the external things surrounding us. Our Lord was amazingly in touch with the ordinary things of life, but He had an inner detachment except toward God."

From "The Unheeded Secret":
"In our Lord's life there was none of the pressure and the rushing of tremendous activity that we regard so highly today, and a disciple is to be like His Master. The central point of the kingdom of Jesus Christ is a personal relationship with Him, not public usefulness to others. ... You have no idea of where or how God is going to engineer your future circumstances, and no knowledge of what stress and strain is going to be placed on you either at home or abroad. And if you waste your time in overactivity, instead of being immersed in the great fundamental truths of God's redemption, then you will snap when the stress and strain do come."

From "Is God's Will My Will?":
"Sanctification is not a question of whether God is willing to sanctify me - is it my will? Am I willing to let god do in me everything that has been made possible through the atonement of the Cross of Christ? Am I willing to let Jesus become sanctification to me, and to let His life be exhibited in my human flesh?"

From "Impulsiveness or Discipleship?":
"Discipleship is built entirely on the supernatural grace of God. Walking on water is easy to someone with impulsive boldness, but walking on dry land as a disciple of Jesus Christ is something altogether different."

Glee Episode #8: Mash-up

2009-10-22T16:05:00.002-04:00

Word of the Day: Popularity. In "Mash-Up", Finn and Quinn struggle with popularity, trying to figure out how to regain social status and whether or not it really matters. Or rather, trying to figure out what matters. This week, I'm changing things a bit in my blog. There were too many good quotes to comment only on the popularity-related ones.

"My weave!" - Mercedes
I laugh out loud every time I hear this line. Part of it is the delivery. The other part is my new understanding of Black hair thanks to Chris Rock promoting Good Hair on Oprah.

"Now that you've joined Lullaby Lees and sperminated the queen of the Chastity Ball and dropped below us hockey dudes on the food chain, it's open season." - Karovsky
It's interesting how people think that having sex makes you cool. At the same time, though, teen pregnancy - one consequence of having sex in high school, can cripple a couple's social status. And now that Finn and Quinn have lost status in the eyes of their peers, the hockey dudes finally find themselves as predators in the food chain. I like to think that there is something good in humanity that allows us to empathize with our fellow prey, but Karovsky proves that is not always true.

Emma: Yes, and Ken has convinced me that we need to at least be in the same room when the marriage is certified.
Ken: What can I say, I'm a traditionalist.
No Ken, you're just normal and the only person in the relationship who actually wants to get married.

"This is a disaster. Our reputation as McKinley High's 'it' couple is in serious jeopardy if we don't find some way to be cool again, Finn." - Quinn
The head cheerleader/football star combination is always the 'it' couple in high school. At my school, there was Craig and Ashleigh. I wasn't friends with them or part of their crowd, so I don't know how hard they tried to maintain their status. I don't know if they felt their popularity was ever threatened. I do know that considering social status as most important turns something small like a slushee facial into a major disaster.

"There's an important lesson to be learned with mash-ups. Sometimes things are so different they don't feel like they go together. But the big difference between them is what makes them great. Like chocolate and bacon." - Will
I enjoy a good mash-up, not just musically but also metaphorically. It's like life, the way things come together and result in unexpected greatness. But I'm hesitant about chocolate and bacon. I'm tempted to try it and experience the big difference that makes it great.

"Status is like currency. When your bank account is full, you can get away with doing just about anything." - Quinn
Money is currency. And when your bank account is full, you can get away with a lot then, too. Just ask all the celebrities who face no consequences for their offenses.

Finn: Totally! It's like you can't see their eyes, so they have all the power. I could be looking at your boobs and you'd have no idea.
Emma: Um, no - kids, look. The most important thing is that you be yourselves. Ok? So if people don't like you for that, I'm sorry but who needs them?
1. It kinda creeps me out when I can't see someone's eyes through their sunglasses. And I am not surprised that Finn would take advantage of that and look at someone's boobs.
2. Why is it so hard for people to be themselves? Is it the fear of rejection and judgment? I say that if people don't like you for yourself, you don't need their judgment. You don't need to go out of your way to be what they want. But it doesn't mean you don't need them as a person since everyone has something to offer, and it doesn't mean you should refuse to accept them for who they are.

"She didn't wear it to her dance rehearsals, and the night of the wedding her husband kept stepping on the train. It was really bad. The fight was epic. The priest cried. They were divorced three months later. Actually, maybe I shouldn't wear it." - Emma
I guess Emma is hoping a bad dance will be her ticket out.

"I know. It's whack. But I also remember what my history teacher told us last semester. Only Nixon can go to China. I have no idea what she meant, but it reminded me of when my family ordered Chinese food and sat down together for our traditional Simchas Torah screening of Schindler's List." - Puck
I missed the first half of this quote during the original broadcast of the episode because I was squealing too loudly and jumping up and down.

Puck: Are you questioning my badassness? Have you seen my guns?
Rachel: No. I'm sorry, but - your arms are lovely. But I just don't see us working out.
Yes, his arms are lovely. And I will justify my crush on Puck with the fact that the actor, Mark Salling, is really 27. It's like how everyone roots for Josie and Mr. Coulson to get together when they watch Never Been Kissed. It's creepy that the teacher is flirting with a student who is supposed to be 17, but we think it's okay because (dramatic irony!) we know she's really 25.

"There's nothing wrong with wanting to be popular. It just means you want people to like you. I think that's healthy." - Finn
I don't think there's anything wrong with wanting friends. Friendship is healthy; changing who you are in order to form many surface-level relationships is not. There's a difference between wanting to be liked and denying your true self to achieve that. There are people who are truly popular, who always act like themselves and have many friends. Those are the people who make me jealous. Not the stereotypical "cool" people whose friendships people use to climb the social ladder.

I hear people say, 'That's not how I define marriage.' Well to them I say, 'Love knows no bounds.' Why can't people marry dogs? I'm certainly not advocating intimacy with your pets. I for one think intimacy has no place in a marriage. I walked in on my parents once, and it was like seeing two walruses wrestling. So 'Woof!' on Prop 15, Ohio. And that's how Sue "C's" it." - Sue
I find this more amusing than I should, probably because I just watched Jane Lynch in Best in Show, about dog competitions. And I'm about to finish my first week working for a company that produces dog grooming expos and magazines for dog groomers.

"Your commitment to football is about as long as your pants." - Will
I was just thinking about Ken's short shorts. Isn't it supposed to be cold in Ohio?

"You and I and the whole world knows that I am just a consolation prize. How do you think that makes me feel? ... Emma is settling for me, and I love her so much I don't care. But it doesn't mean I appreciate you coming with your Gene Kelly charm and getting high off of her fawning over you." - Ken
I feel such sympathy, and sometimes empathy, for Ken. He's really a good guy, so why doesn't Emma see that?

Puck: No one deserves this feeling. You know what the worst part is? It's not the burning in your eyes or the way the slushee drips all the way into your underpants. It's the humiliation. I feel like I could burst into tears at any moment. Rachel, I'm sorry, but today when the clock strikes 3:30...
Rachel: You're choosing football over glee, which means we probably can't be together anymore.
Puck: Yes. Damn, I feel like such a bad Jew.
This scene (the whole episode, really) continued to melt my heart for Mr. Noah Puckerman. The sensitivity, the understanding, the vulnerability... *swoon* But my favorite part was at the end when he whipped a yarmulke out of his pocket.

Rachel: Are you sure about this, Noah? I mean, choosing us over the team means you might get a slushie in your face every day.
Puck: Bring it.
Artie: Where's Finn?
Oh, Noah Puckerman. Such bravery and maturity in risking the humiliation that makes him want to cry. And Artie. The delivery of his line was subtly brilliant. It carried the perfect amount of sadness and naivete, like a kid eating steak, wondering where his pet Bessie could be.

Finn: If I don't do it, the guys on the team are going to kick the crap out of me.
Kurt: Well we can't have that, can we?
Finn: What are you doing?
Kurt: It's called taking one for the team. Now get out of here! And take some time to think whether or not any of your friends on the football team would have done that for you... Someone get me to a day spa, stat!
Kurt, this is why everyone loves you. Such a good lesson about friendship.

Rod: You didn't think that we were exclusive, did you?
Sue: That's the only way I do it, Rod.
For some reason, I wouldn't expect this of Sue. But I suppose if Sue wants something, she has to be the only one who gets it.

Will: These are the moments, Finn. The crossroads. The ones you look back on when you get old and think, 'What if'.
Finn: I don't buy that. I don't think any one decision makes your life. Unless you accidentally invent some kind of zombie virus or something.
Will: No, you're right. Life's a series of choices. A combination of moments. Little ones that add up to big ones that create who you are.
In high school, I used to put too much emphasis on the weight my decisions had on my future. I stressed out about choosing classes and whether or not I could get a job if I took art in 9th grade instead of Spanish. But every moment is a part of who you are, whether it's something life-changing or mundane. Unfortunately, I missed the poignancy of this scene when watching it on TV, because we were viewing it on a standard definition screen. On the wide shots, both Will and Finn were off the screen. We could hear the voices but could only see the goal post.

"If it is one minute late, I will go to the animal shelter and get you a kitty cat. I will let you fall in love with that kitty cat, and then on some dark cold night I will steal away into your home and punch you in the face." - Sue
EPIC.

Will: I just can't get those two songs to go together.
Emma: Yeah, it's because they don't. We both know that. They're both good songs, though.
Will: Great ones.
If Emma could only see the value of the "Thong Song", then maybe they could make it work! Try harder to make it work, Will.

Rachel: They're delicious.
Kurt: And filled with empty calories. You know why they're called slushees, don't you? Because your butt looks like one if you have too many of them.
You are what you eat, I suppose.

"You've never been hit by a slushee before, Mr. Schue?" - Artie
The best part about this line is the way Artie slowly rolls his wheelchair toward Will as he speaks.

Glee Episode #7: Throwdown

2009-10-15T08:32:00.002-04:00

Word of the Day: Power. It's amazing what people will do to gain or regain power and how some people are naturally powerful. It is also interesting to see what people do with the power they have, whether they use it for good or "evil". Do they become a super hero or a super villain? I also enjoyed this episode's look at the minority group in the midst of the power struggle over glee club.

"It sucks. You get all the stress and the worry, and none of the control." - Finn
I suppose depending on your beliefs about the world, all of life is like this. In the grand scheme of things, we have very little or no control over what happens. The only thing we really have control over is ourselves and the decisions we make. We can choose to react to the world without the stress and the worry, even though everything else is out of our hands.

"Santana. Wheels. Gay kid. C'mon, move it! Asian. Other Asian. Aretha. Shaft." - Sue
We've grown to expect this kind of insensitivity from Sue, but it still catches me off guard. I guess I would like to think that no one would be this insensitive. Yet I laughed. Maybe it's because it reminded me of a personal incident when a professor asked the class to discuss what we liked best about being white. He turned to me and seeing my confused expression said, "Or fill-in-the-blank. There's only two of you." He didn't even say Asian. Or other Asian. Fill-in-the-blank. Oh man, was I angry. After a while, though, I was able to see the comment for the ridiculousness and awkwardness that it was.

"I'm all about empowerment. I empower my Cheerios to live in a state of constant fear by creating an environment of irrational random terror." - Sue
Sue is the kind of person who does not use her power for good. She's also the kind of person who doesn't understand empowerment. The root of empowerment is overpowering fear, stirring up within you the strength to achieve. Empowerment is not about instilling more fear.

"You can't stand to see a woman in a position of power. Your psychosexual derangement would be fascinating if it weren't so terrifying!" - Sue
Will doesn't have a problem with women in positions of power. If he did, I don't think he would try so hard to get all of his students, male and female, to succeed in school. No, his problem is that almost all of the women in his life are emasculating him. Do I think that being a man means having dominance over women? No, not entirely. But it is his inability to defend himself, to go from being abused by Sue at school to being abused at home by Terri ("I just don't want to feel as powerless in my home as I do at school."), that threatens his manhood.

"Here's the deal Wu. My husband does the taxes for some very powerful mid-sized law firms in this town, and I'm sure somebody will be more than happy to take on my lawsuit." - Kendra
Because there's nothing more powerful than a mid-sized law firm. In a small town. With two OB/GYNs. Who are both Asian?

Finn: If we wanted to hear Mom and Dad fight, those of us who still have two parents would just stay at home on pay day.
Mercedes: I agree. Glee is supposed to be fun. And furthermore, I don't like this minority business. I may be a strong, proud, Black woman, but I'm a lot more than that.
1. Loved Finn's line and the perspective he offers.
2. I'm really glad that Mercedes acknowledges that her identity goes beyond race. I think race and ethnicity are important parts of one's identity, but sometimes people fail to see anything else in themselves. I have encountered people who are so centered around their racial identity that they have developed a negative attitude toward the world, because in their eyes everyone is probably "ignorant" or "racist". They have probably spent so much time self-segregating that they fail to see the common ground that we all share.

Glee Episode #6: Vitamin D

2009-10-08T10:58:00.005-04:00

Word of the Day: Competition. It happens when two parties want the same thing, and sharing is not an option. One trophy. One job. One man. Sometimes competition is real, and sometimes it is only perceived.

Will: Competition. Every one of these people or elements was a champion in their own right. But they use competing with each other to make themselves even better.
Kurt: I don't understand how lightning is in competition with an above-ground swimming pool.
Those who have a good understanding of competition are the ones who become better. They realize that the focus is on becoming better than they were before. Those who are overcome by competition only focus on being better than others. As for the lightning, I'm pretty sure it always trumps swimming pool. Every other time, the pool's just lucky.

"A mashup is when you take two songs and mash them together to make an even richer explosion of musical expression." - Will
A mashup is a good metaphor for the positive spirit of competition. Two songs come together but do not destroy the other in order to emerge as the dominant sound. Rather, what results is something beautiful and each song is better than before. For some good mashups, check out Norwegian Recycling on YouTube.

"Every time I try to destroy that clutch of scab-eating mouth breathers, it only comes back stronger like some sexually ambiguous horror movie villain." - Sue
Sue is one of those people who doesn't understand the spirit of healthy competition. She finds success by destroying others rather than bettering herself. Glee on the other hand, come back stronger because Sue's attacks don't expose weaknesses but rather give them opportunities for improvement.

"Don't bend or break, baby, don't back down." - Bon Jovi
Persistance wins competitions. I knew Bon Jovi was wise.

Rachel: I know everyone expects us to be enemies and be in competition, but I don't hate you.
Quinn: Why not? I've been awful to you.
Rachel: That was before you knew what it felt like to be me. An outsider.
Competition isn't always real. I think that's when it can be the most damaging, because you are unnecessarily focused on an imaginary prize. You take others down, even if they are not standing in your way. I've found myself in competition with others, though they were unaware of it. I lost a friendship because I saw my friend as an enemy instead. It wasn't until I realized we were on the same side that we became friends again. (Truth is, there was an unexpected third party. My friend and I rekindled our relationship when we realized we both lost, and we understood what it was like to be the other person.)

"I know you have this thing about being clean. Now I can't promise to pick up my underwear or squeegee the shower door, but I can promise to keep you life clean of sadness and loneliness and any other dark clouds that might float into it." - Ken
This doesn't have anything to do with the theme of competition, but I gotta say, who can compete with this speech?! Ken is probably one of the more sensible adults on the show, as much as I may hate to admit that. And though I'm a female, I think I am most similar to Ken out of all the characters.

"You might think there's some kind of competition going on between you and I, but that's like saying a nail is competing with a hammer." - Terri
I've been on the receiving end of this statement before, though at the time, I was also the one saying the words. During my imaginary competition, I always saw myself as the nail and my friend as the hammer. I wanted to win so badly but kept telling myself that I never had a chance. Sure, the nail could put up a good fight, but there was no way the nail could beat the hammer. I realize now that I was my own hammer and could never win against my negative thinking.

I guess I get caught up in the competitive hysteria too. My goals are too selfish. It's time for me to stop competing against everyone and start competing alongside them.
It's like a mashup. Instead of trying to destroy others, how can you work with them to create something even better?

Glee Episode #5: The Rhodes Not Taken

2009-10-01T09:53:00.006-04:00

Word of the Day: Why. It is probably the most important question we can ask of ourselves. Honest answers to the question "Why?" give us a better glimpse of who a person is and who we are. "Why" shows us what motivates a person or what is considered important. The answer doesn't always come right away - if we want the real answer. That's probably why it takes a whole episode for the characters to understand their reasons why.

"We have obligations as teachers to give kids opportunities for growth and enrichment." - Emma
If only all teachers acknowledged this obligation as their reason for teaching. There are too many teachers who focus on the salary (however much or little) over the students. The best teachers out there are the ones who make you better people, not better test takers. They're the ones who teach you about life and academics, and help you to realize your full potential.

"If Glee's gonna win, I need to give her a second chance. She is a talented performer, and I really think that the kids are going to learn a lot of valuable technique from her." - Will
Will has a couple reasons for keeping April around, both seemingly focused on his students. His first reason is to help April and allow her to achieve what she was 3 credits short from achieving. His second reason is to help his current students become better singers and performers. At the root of it all, though, is Will's desire for Glee to win and reclaim his glory days.

"You need to think about why you're doing this and what you're willing to sacrifice to get it." - Emma
Not only should you think about what you're willing to sacrifice, but you should also consider whether "this" is even worth the sacrifice. And is the "why" worth the sacrifice, too? Is the businessman willing to sacrifice family time to get the promotion just because he wants prestige at work? Am I willing to sacrifice a couple homework-less years of my life to get my Master's degree in order to pursue my desire to work with college students? Is Will willing to sacrifice the integrity and innocence of his students in exchange for April Rhodes just so Glee can succeed?

"I just know that I want to spend more time with you now." - Finn
Goodness, who knows how many times this has been my reason why...

Kurt: Maybe Quinn is lactose intolerant.
Artie: That doesn't explain all the crying.
Tina: Maybe she just doesn't like the group.
No amount of speculation about the "why" behind Quinn's recent behavior can replace Quinn's personal obligation to face the truth.

"I need to get a music scholarship so I can go to college, so I can get a good job, so I can take care of my kid. And I can't do that if you don't come back to glee club." - Finn
I remember the idea of college driving my decisions, even down to the courses I studied in junior high. I needed to take the right classes so I could get into a good school, so I could get a good job. But that's all. Finn's motivation is much weightier and goes beyond just having a good job. He wants a good life, something that college can provide.

"I realized being a star didn't make me feel as special as being your friend. If I let you down when you needed me the most, I'd never forgive myself." - Rachel
Rachel said in the pilot episode that "being a part of something special makes you special". She thought that "something special" was glee club, but now she realizes it's the friendship she has with the glee kids. The relationships we form are often the strongest reasons why we do anything.

Living a Life of Passion

2009-09-24T21:56:00.004-04:00

"...the only life worth living is one that you're really passionate about." - Glee

I've been thinking about this quote for quite some time as I contemplated career paths and debated between job offers. And through this thinking I have focused on one main question: what is my passion? Though I pursued a degree in graphic design, which is enjoyable work for me, I am hesitant to say that is my passion. Those who are passionate about art spend their free time making art, something I am not known to do. I think my passion is people. When relationships are integral parts of my responsibilities, I take great joy in my work. I would like to find myself back in Residence Life somewhere, where the job is about people.

One of the job offers I was considering was at an organization passionate about relieving poverty in Central PA. I would have loved to take that job and develop a personal passion for poverty relief. The people I met at the office were great, and it would have been a wonderful experience doing my year of service there. The second job offer is at a company where I would do more commercial work. However, the position granted the flexibility to return to Boston in the summer to do Residence Life. In the end, I accepted the second job. The decision wasn't about which job I was more passionate about, but what job would allow me to do what I was truly passionate about, which is Residence Life.

A few days ago, I drew up a flow chart to figure out my options for the future (I'm a visually oriented fan of organization and planning). Right now I am preparing to start my 6-month to 1-year job/internship on October 19th. At the end of the internship, I have to decide if I like the company enough to stay there permanently, if the position is offered. Yes, I stay. No, I go to grad school for counseling/higher education/student affairs and work toward becoming a Residence Director. As you can see on the chart (click to enlarge the picture), I am now at Job A. One path will lead me to a career in graphic design. All the other paths lead me to grad school. Time will tell where I end up. I just have to focus on the immediate future and living a life that I am passionate about.

Glee Episode #4: Preggers

2009-09-24T11:39:00.006-04:00

Word of the Day (not so much a recurring word, but a theme): Honesty. In this episode, the characters don't talk about honesty, but instead demonstrate how difficult it is. Though lying and deceit seem so much easier, they only complicate matters in the long run. Honesty will win eventually, and some of the characters realize how much better life is when lived honestly.

Kendra: What do you think he's going to do when he finds out you lied?
Terri: Oh God, I don't know. I've got to tell him the truth. I've got to tell him and I've got to deal with the consequences.
Kendra: Are you insane? Dishonesty is food to a marriage. It will die without it.
It gives me hope that Terri has some sense of morality. She recognizes that the right thing to do is be honest with her husband, though there are consequences for her lies and she may run the risk of losing him. I lose a bit of hope in Terri (and humanity) to see people like her sister Kendra, who think that dishonesty can do anything positive for a marriage, let alone sustain it. Dishonesty is what kills marriages and relationships (though Kendra probably uses it to trick her husband into staying married). Successful relationships, whether a marriage or a friendship, have a foundation of honesty. I can say from experience that the vulnerability required to be honest with someone is very difficult, but it allowed me (and the relationship) to emerge from that moment stronger than before.

Kurt: Finn, I needed to ask you something.
Finn: Thanks, but I already have a date to the prom. But I'm flattered. I know how important dances are to teen gays.
Kurt: I'm not gay.
Finn: Oh.
The ability to be honest is based on trust. You have to trust the other person not to hurt you in that moment of vulnerability. Glee has allowed Kurt and Finn to develop trust in one another, but the social mechanics of high school carry an inherent distrust between classes. Kurt has yet to build enough trust in Finn to be honest about his sexuality, though after this episode that might change.

Sandy: It is so wonderful to finally have some Sandy time. I have my bridge game on Fridays, Saturdays I am fully committed to the local cat rescue...
Sue: Sandy, let's cut the crap.
Sandy: *sobs* I'm living in a cocoon of horror. Yesterday, I ate nine cans of aerosol whipped cream.
It can be hard to admit the truth, especially if it is somewhat shameful. But being honest with yourself is the key to moving forward. Others cannot help or comfort you until you can be honest with yourself.

"I hear this poor girl is so ashamed that she can't tell anybody. Can you imagine having to hide something like that? All that effort covering that up?" - Will
It takes more muscles to frown than to smile. In the same way, it takes more work to maintain a lie than to confess the truth. When will Will realize how much effort Terri is putting into covering up her own mess?

"I'm just somebody who wants to help." - Terri
Half-hearted promises of benevolence can be some of the most damaging lies, because they lead people to develop trust in those they shouldn't trust. These are the kind of lies that lure children into shady vans and trap people in toxic relationships.

Kurt: I have something that I want to say. I'm glad that you're proud of me, but I don't want to lie anymore. Being a part of the glee club and football has really showed me that I can be anything, and what I am is... I'm gay.
Kurt's Dad: I know.
Kurt: Really?
KD: I've known since you were three. All you wanted for your birthday was a pair of sensible heels. I guess I'm not totally in love with the idea, but if that's who you are, there's nothing I can do about it. And I love you just as much. Thanks for telling me, Kurt. You're sure, right?
Kurt: Yeah, Dad. I'm sure.
KD: Just checking.
When a child is different from the parents' hopes or expectations, it can be hard for the parents to accept their child's decision. Not all parents are so accepting as Kurt's dad, whether the matter at hand is careers or sexuality. It was so heartwarming to watch the conversation between Kurt and his dad, to see the unconditional love the father had for his son. My favorite part of the conversation was when Kurt's dad thanked him for coming out to him, because his sexuality wasn't really a secret. The conversation was more so a demonstration of Kurt's trust in his own father.

"To them I say, shake it up a bit. Get out of your box! Even if that box happens to be where you are living... It's not easy to break out of your comfort zone. People will tear you down, tell you you shouldn't have bothered in the first place, but let me tell you something. There's not much difference between a stadium of cheering fans and an angry crowd screaming abuse at you. They're both just making a lot of noise. How you take it is up to you. Convince yourself they're cheering for you. You do that, and someday they will." - Sue
This doesn't have anything to do with honesty... Normally, everything Sue says is offensive to some people group and can be ignored, but I understand what she says here. Perspective has a way of changing the negative to positive. And Sue Sylvester quotes can be more meaningful when you omit the bit about how homeless people should try not being homeless for a change.

Glee Episode #3: Acafellas

2009-09-16T21:00:00.007-04:00

Words of the day: Guts and confidence. Some people lack one or the other, and the lucky ones are blessed with both. At times, a boost in confidence gives you the guts to do what you never thought you could. At other times, it takes guts to show just how confident you can be.

"Being a man is all about one thing: guts." - Will's dad
Perhaps guts really is what separates the boys from the men. When I say "guts", I don't mean jumping off a bridge, even if you might break some bones (or worse). A boy will do whatever people say without fear of consequences, but that is not "guts." That's idiocy. "Guts," according to the dictionary, is having courage when it really matters. A man will act in spite of what others may say or the personal consequences he faces, because he wants to follow his heart or do something that matters. Of course, "guts" is not gender exclusive; for girls, though, I'd venture to say the bridge is probably more metaphorical.

"They say it takes more certainty than talent to be a star. I mean, look at John Stamos." - Emma
Don't knock John Stamos (Uncle Jesse forever!), but Emma has a point. Talentless celebrities like Paris Hilton or Heidi Montag (or any other reality TV star transitioning into acting or music) demonstrate how it doesn't take talent these days to be famous. But if they're certain in themselves enough to get out there, I guess there's no stopping them. Talent will get them further than the limited success that these "stars" experience.

"He knows who he is, and that's great. And there really is nothing sexier in a man than confidence." - Emma
It's true. Guys who are comfortable in their own skin seem more attractive, even if they are not the most physically appealing. It's like how a salesperson is more effective if they are confident in their product - why would anyone else want to buy it if the salesperson doesn't even believe in it?

"Two weeks ago, I would have agreed that four grown men rehearsing a capella hip-hop in my living room was embarrassing. But busting out some white hot new jack swing - I'll tell you, I've never felt more confident." - Will

"Seeing me feel so good about myself made my wife more attracted to me in every way." - Will

"Of course he doesn't want anything to do with us after you kicked him in the nads... He just doesn't have the confidence to coach us anymore. Guys are really sensitive when it comes to this kind of stuff." - Finn
I tend to forget that guys can be sensitive. Being sensitive isn't a stereotypically "manly" quality, but I suppose if there's anything for a guy to be sensitive about, it would be his manliness. Many guys try to put up a facade of strength, and any suggestion of weakness would be enough to strip away their confidence.

"Is this one of those chick things where you're pissed about one thing but you're just pretending like you're pissed about something else?" - Finn
While this has nothing to do with confidence, I just wanted to point out the insight Finn has, despite his dumb jock image. Not everyone realizes that girls do this, but maybe he has seen Quinn or his mom do this enough that he has caught on to our ways.

"I have enough confidence to say out loud that what happened between us in the auditorium was real. You have feelings for me and you just don't have the guts to admit it." - Rachel
The bullying that Rachel faces at school would be enough to kill the confidence of any high school student, but this girl is so sure of herself (sometimes bordering on unknowingly arrogant) that she can maintain her confidence in the face of social hierarchy. Finn is not comfortable enough in his own skin to defy high school social conventions by facing the truth. I have yet to be as confident as Rachel. Only within the past couple years have I been able to talk to and make friends with the "popular" kids - and it's usually because they are so confident in themselves they don't realize the social divide when they start talking to me.

"Am I hurting your feelings? Did I say something wrong? Because I thought you wanted somebody who respected you enough to tell you the truth. But maybe you don't have the confidence to hear it. Maybe you need somebody who's going to lie to you and tell you things like, 'You've got what it takes.'" - Dakota Stanley, champion choreographer
In a way, Dakota is right. I would rather have someone respect me enough to tell me the truth instead of feeding me lies. And it does take a bit of confidence in yourself not to take remarks too personally. When someone critiques my art work, I have to remember that they are not necessarily criticizing me. The lines become blurry with the art form of dance, where the artist is the art. However, there's a difference between constructive criticism and insult. If I only heard insults, which are damaging to the individual, I would never develop enough confidence to handle the criticism.

"It's never too late to grow a pair and go after your dreams." - Will's dad
What dreams do you want to go after? Mine may have something to do with the pair of pointe shoes sitting underneath my bed.

Mercedes: You shouldn't be ashamed of who you are, Kurt... The whole point of the club is about expressing what's really inside you, remember?
Kurt: I can't. I'm just not that confident, I guess.
Expressing what's inside of you takes a lot of guts, because you risk the rejection of your true self. It's just fascinating (and not uncommon) how someone like Kurt, who seems so confident on the outside, can be so insecure on the inside.

"When you really believe in yourself, you don't have to bring other people down." - Quinn
Whether or not she would like to admit it, Sue Sylvester doubts her ability to outdo the glee club and tries to take them down in order to secure her superiority. It's like what we've always learned - bullies are just insecure and need to put everyone down in order to feel better about themselves. Those who believe in themselves see no need for comparison, no need to be superior. Kurt, held captive by social hierarchy, copes with his insecurity by telling himself he is superior to everyone else, when in reality (according to Finn) everyone is a loser.

*Last week's post was rather lengthy, so from here on out I plan on only including meaningful quotes or ones that relate to the episode theme (word of the day).

Seeking the Gray

2009-09-14T22:22:00.004-04:00

When I take personality tests, I sit stumped. Everything I know about myself suddenly becomes gray, and I realize I would prefer to be black and white. As much as I would hate to be put into a box in any other situation, I answer each question wishing I could just fit neatly into one category or the other. I remember taking one particular test and getting the same results for all four possible outcomes. Others weighed heavily in one category or another while I floated smack dab in the middle of the spectrum. I wondered in frustration if I had answered the questions wrong somehow. Why am I so... undefinable? Do I have this multi-faceted personality because I become whatever people want me to be? Or am I really just the type who is a bit of everything and dwells in that fuzzy middle ground? The gray area.

All of this is to say, I don't know how I feel about change. When personality tests ask questions about change, I really don't know how to answer. I handle change well and like the way it breaks up boredom and monotony - but I am also a big fan of routine and organization. I am not afraid to get a drastic haircut (every two years over Christmas break at Hair Cuttery). I can purge piles of unworn clothes from my wardrobe (before arranging what's left by color and order of most recent use, and placing my socks in the second drawer as always).

I am excited about possibly starting a new job and moving into a place of my own in a few weeks. At the same time, my parents' casual comments about selling the house and moving to Florida in a few years leave me slightly unnerved. (Don't get me wrong. My parents' move to Florida will be a great thing, but having it as a common topic of conversation catches me off guard at times.) There is some kind of comfort in the constant - the two years between haircuts, the sock drawer, my parent's house. It is the safety net that allows me to leap after change into the unknown. A world without constant contains nothing but change and feels dangerous. A world without change feels boring and monotonous. I need the constant in order to embrace change, and I need change to appreciate the constant. I need both, because I dwell in the gray.

NINE

2009-09-10T19:31:00.003-04:00

So yesterday was 9/9/09 - a supposedly lucky day because of the triple 9's. And it was the 252nd day of the year, and 2 + 5 + 2 = 9. It was a pretty good day, I must say. In honor of the special occasion, here are 9 good things that happened during the day.

1. I got my hair cut. I've been contemplating bangs for about a week now, and finally did it! AND I didn't hate it. I have to start wearing my contacts more often, because my glasses look silly with bangs now.
2. I discovered MyLifeIsAverage.com and have spent many happy hours since then. It's kind of like FML, but positive. And it makes me laugh, which makes me feel good. There are a lot of nods to ninjas, Batman, and Harry Potter. Now I want a vintage Batman t-shirt. Here are some good MLIAs:

Today, I drank Kool-Aid. A giant pitcher of juice did not break into my home. MLIA.
Today, I filled a Windex bottle with blue Gatorade. I then sprayed it into my mouth infront of my mother. She began to panic and scream and get hysterical. I thought it was funny. She didn't. MLIA
Today, I was thinking about the expression 'revenge is a dish best served cold'. Then I considered that 'revenge is sweet'. I've come to the conclusion that revenge is ice cream. MLIA
Today I had rice. I'm Asian. MLIA

3. I had macaroni and cheese for dinner. I've been craving it for a while and finally went to the store and bought two boxes.
4. Outside of the grocery store, two guys from a karate school offered me a free week of cardio kick-boxing. I turned them down, but secretly wished they had offered me karate lessons or had mentioned ninjas.
5. I got a call from my alma mater, where I applied to be a receptionist at College Press. They wanted to set up a phone interview, which I had today. I found out that the job goes from Mid-August to May, and pays over $10 an hour, which sounds perfect for me.
6. I got to watch the premiere of So You Think You Can Dance - Season 6! The season is off to a great start, and I'm glad they are showing more spectacular dancers than duds. Ryan Kasprzak auditioned last season with his brother Evan, but was cut from the Top 20 while Evan made the Top 4. Hopefully after his audition last night, it'll be his turn to be one of America's favorite dancers.

7. GLEE. I have been waiting for this day all summer long, since they first aired the Pilot episode. I enjoy swooning over singing boys too much. Thankfully Cory Monteith is not really in high school, but rather a 27-year-old, so it's okay to swoon. "This dance ain't for errbody. Only the sexy people."
8. I found a voice mail on my cell phone after Glee was over, from my friend/old boss. She had just finished watching Glee and was trying to tell me in between laughing spurts the lines she thought was funniest. I saved it to my phone, because it was that great.
9. I slept in a bed. Each week in church, we share things we are grateful for, and when no one has anything to share, my pastor reminds us we have a bed. We can be thankful for that.

Glee Episode #2: Showmance

2009-09-10T10:42:00.008-04:00

Word of the day: Compromise. This episode, everyone wants it. Others don't really understand what it means.

Finn: Let me help you with that.
Rachel: Thanks Finn. You're so chivalrous.
Finn: Thanks! That's a good thing, right?
Yes, Finn is rather chivalrous. I was really impressed that he would help Rachel in public, because that could definitely damage his reputation. I guess he is starting to settle into his own without fear of what others think, but it is still a challenge for him.

"One day, you will all work for me." - Kurt Hummel
It looks like Kurt is beginning to stand up for himself, and maybe one day he won't end up inside the dumpster.

Quinn: Let's compromise. If you quit the club, I'll let you touch my breast.
Finn: Under the shirt?
Quinn: Over the bra.
Finn: No, no. I can't. I want to do Glee. I'm really happy when I perform.
Congrats to Finn for choosing Glee over some booty. Also, it wasn't until now that I realized the couple is "Finn & Quinn" - and it just sounds ridiculous. Couple's names shouldn't rhyme.

"You try to bust my face again, and I will cut you." - Mercedes
I can only think of Bon Qui Qui when I hear that phrase. And that automatically makes it awesome.

"You are not giving up your craft room, Terri. A mother needs her respite. That craft room is the only thing that is going to keep you from going all Susan Smith on that little angel. Post partum runs in our family." - Kendra
I can't decide who is worse - Terri or Kendra? It looks like being plain crazy runs in their family too.

Kendra: Where are you going?
Kendra's Husband: Bathroom? All that bran.
Kendra: No, you can't. Kyle needs his inhaler.
Whipped. Let's hope that Will is better at growing a backbone. At least Will's character has a name and the guts to expose his wife's Christmas Closet.

"This banister was made by Ecuadorian children." - Real Estate Agent
Is that the big selling point these days? Nothing says luxury like child labor.

"My very own Sophie's Choice. Fine, I'm going to give up the sun nook for the grand foyer. But I really need the polished door handles." - Terri
Great analogy, Terri. Having to choose which pointless luxury to give up is just like making a life or death decision in a Nazi concentration camp. At least she is getting a taste of compromise - a house with no sun nook, but a grand foyer.

"Communication is the foundation of any successful music group. If we're going to succeed, we need to communicate." - Will
Communication is key to any relationship, musical or not. Will's marriage could use some honest communication.

Emma: Rachel, did you just throw up?
Rachel: No.
Emma: You missed the toilet.
Rachel: The girl who was throwing up before me left that. I tried, but I guess I just don't have a gag reflex.
Emma: One day when you're older that will turn out to be a gift. Let's have a little chat, okay?
I didn't get this until the second time I watched it. Oh my, Emma.

"Have you ever liked somebody so much you just want to lock yourself in your room, turn on sad music and cry?" - Rachel
I prefer my car, and listening to Marie Digby's "Better Off Alone".

"You need to remember, Rachel, to protect your heart. I don't care who he is, if he doesn't like you for the way you are, if he's married with a baby on the way. That's not worth the heartache. You don't want to compromise yourself for that... um..." - Emma
"Above all else, guard your heart, for it is the wellspring of life." - Proverbs 4:23

"Santana Lopez bent over in hers one day, and I swear I could see her ovaries." - Puck
Does Puck know what ovaries are, or did he have to look them up?

"This dance ain't for errbody. Only the sexy people." - Artie, during the performance of "Push It"
I laughed out loud when he said this. Maybe it's something about a nerdy white guy with glasses saying "errbody".

"That was the most offensive thing I've seen in 20 years of teaching. And that includes an elementary school production of Hair." - Sue
How an elementary school was able to do a musical about the sexual revolution, I do not know. My elementary school was only able to do the first act of "Into the Woods" because Act II was a bit off limits.

"My first thought was that your students should be put into foster care." - Sue

"I'm a good man, Emma. I'll treat you right, put up with your crazy. They can't fire me because I'm a minority, so I'll always be able to provide for you. You can't do much worse." - Ken Tanaka
Ken Tanaka is growing on me. He's not the skeezeball he was in the first episode, and I think he really likes Emma. I hope she has a good time at Tulipalooza.

Finn: I looked under the bed to make sure you weren't hanging out under there. But then I heard you sing. I don't know how to say this, but it touched something in me. Right here.
Rachel: Your heart is on the other side of your chest.
Finn: It's beating really hard.
So. Cute. Cue the swooning of women everywhere.

"It's not all about you, or, I realized, about me." - Will
I just hope Will realizes it can be about him sometimes, and doesn't let Terri have her way all the time.

From the Top

2009-09-08T12:19:00.000-04:00

It's tough to choose, but I think the premiere I anticipate the most this fall is Glee. Especially after FOX aired the Director's cut of the pilot episode on Wednesday, I am excited to see what else Ryan Murphy and the other creative geniuses behind the show have in store for us. The music is fantastic, and the characters are entertaining. The script is so funny and witty that I couldn't help but online battle with my friend while watching the show - who would be the first to IM the upcoming line? Recently I posted a quote from the Pilot as my facebook status and generated response from other Glee fans who readily recognized the quote. This has given me some inspiration for a weekly blog feature where I will post some of my favorite quotes from the episode along with some commentary. This will most likely appear each Thursday, though I can't make any promises!

Here's post #1: "Pilot"

"You think this is hard?
- Try being waterboarded. That's hard. (The very first line of the entire series!)
- I'm living with hepatitis. That's hard.
Sue Sylvester, coach of the Cheerios cheerleading squad, sure knows how to motivate her "performers." I'm pretty sure this will be a recurring element of the series, and I'm definitely okay with that. I can't wait to see what unconventional bits of inspiration Sue will share next. I'm thinking positive reinforcement is not really her style.

Kurt: [As the football team prepares to throw him into the dumpster] Wait, this is Marc Jacobs' new collection.
Finn: Wait. [Kurt takes off his Marc Jacobs jacket and hands it to Finn] Okay. [Kurt meets the inside of the dumpster as Finn drops his gaze, a bit ashamed]
Oh, the first glimpse of Finn's struggling high school persona. Will he be the good guy who defends the underdog? Or will he go along with the bullying antics of his fellow football players because that's what everyone expects of him? I suppose both - or neither - depending on how you classify the middle ground of compromise.

"By its very definition, Glee is about opening yourself up to joy" - Lillian Adler, former director of the Glee Club at William McKinley High School
Glee, the show, is also about opening yourself up to joy, I think. There is something very heartwarming about watching the underdog find victory, and that seems to be the very essence of the show. It's not so much about the music as it is about this group of social outcasts trying to find their place. I also like this quote, because glee or joy doesn't just happen. We cannot experience even the most inherent happiness without allowing ourselves to be receptive to it.

"Your resentment... is delicious. Well, I have a phoner in a couple minutes. It's an interview - on the telephone with a major media outlet. I'll probably do it on my iPhone." - Sue Sylvester
This quote just embodies Sue's superiority complex. Not only does she think the Cheerios are better than any other group on campus because of their success and high standings in teenage social hierarchy, she also finds herself personally superior to her colleagues. I think we all know at least one person like that who is a chronic "one up"-er.

"My gold stars are a metaphor for me - being a star." - Rachel Berry
Rachel is quite the focused young woman, with definite goals and dreams, and the talent to achieve what she wants. But such focus comes at a price, leaving her painfully naive and socially inept - and apparently unable to construct a strong metaphor.

"But Will, I'm on my feet four hours a day, three times a week here." - Terri Schuester
Terri, the wife you just love to hate. This scene at Sheets and Things only begins to show us the kind of selfishness Will has to put up with/ignore in his marriage to Terri. It's the kind of selfishness that makes me wonder if Terri is really pregnant, or if it's one gigantic lie to keep Will on a short leash.

Sue: High school is a caste system. Kids fall into certain slots. Your jocks, your popular kids - up in the penthouse. The invisibles and the kids playing live-action druids and trolls out in the forest, bottom floor.
Will: And where do the Glee kids lie?
Sue: Sub-basement.
High school is definitely a caste system. There is, without a doubt, a social ladder to climb. I've always been the kind of person who hung out in the middle, not particularly finding favor with the popular kids but not facing their cruelty either. I probably thought I was fortunate to be above "sub-basement", but never treated them poorly because I was only a floor away from playing live-action druids.

"I have trouble with things like that. The messy things." - Emma
She's a germophobe who struggles with "the messy things." Yet what can be messier than unrequited love for a married co-worker who is about to become a father?

"Dr. Phil said that people can change. You know, it's not a bad thing to want a real life, Will. And to have a glue gun that works!" - Terri
Of course Dr. Phil wasn't speaking to her... Her materialism is almost painful.

"I like somebody else, alright? Nothing I can do about it because they're unavailable, so I have to deal with that..." - Emma
Who hasn't been there? Hopefully "dealing with it" means getting over him and not becoming a home-wrecker.

"Wait. Let's pray." - Quinn Fabray, girlfriend of Finn and president of the celibacy club, taking a break from making out with Finn
Whenever there's a Christian character on TV, I'm not sure how to feel about it. Sometimes they're super naive like Grace Bowman from Secret Life of the American Teenager. If not, they're a hypocrite like Quinn, who hosts "Christ Crusader" meetings at her house one minute and makes life miserable for Rachel the next. I haven't decided which stereotype is more frustrating, but I know characters like Quinn make it necessary for Christians to live lives of love and compassion.

"Being an adult is about having to make difficult choices." - Will
I think I will be feeling more like an adult soon...

"I'll miss you." - Will, to Emma
The completely wrong thing for a man to say to the single woman who is desperately in love with him...

"We're all losers... I'm not afraid of being called a loser, because I can accept that's what I am. But I am afraid of turning my back on something that actually made me happy for the first time in my sorry life." - Finn
I wish high school was full of people like Finn. It would make the world a better place. He's the guy you love to love, and the guy you don't mind being popular, because he's not only nice to look at but he's beautiful on the inside too.

"But provide what exactly? The understanding that money is the most important thing - or the idea that the only life worth living is one that you're really passionate about, Will?" - Emma
Wow. One of the best lines of the episode, in my opinion. It really got me thinking about the job options I have, and what my choice says about me. What would I find in a life I'm really passionate about?

"You might think that all the boys at school would totally want to tap this, but my Myspace schedule keeps me way too busy to date." - Rachel
"There is nothing ironic about show choir." - Rachel
"I want the agony out of your eyes!" - Sue
"Chicks don't have prostates. I looked it up." - Puck
These are just classic.

Check out my blog on Thursday for quotes from episode 2, "Showmance".

Welcome to the Real World

2009-09-02T22:02:00.004-04:00

Tomorrow morning I have my first "real world" job interview. Until now, I've only had phone interviews or rejection emails (for post-grad jobs, that is). Now I have a full-day interview, beginning at 8:30 am with a loan committee meeting. I read through the 54 pages of loan information that we'll be going over at the meeting, though I'm not sure I understand all of it. But I've still been told I should go over the document and be able to point out the pros and cons of each loan. I never expected anything like this when I started applying for graphic design jobs. Who knew I would have to know about loans AND typography? I'm not sure what to expect at all out of tomorrow. After 7 meetings throughout the day, including one with the President/CEO, I have to do a presentation of a project that they are giving me 45 minutes to work on. And I'll be wearing heels all day. Now what will Friday's interview have in store, considering it's only an hour long?

The Beauty of Relationships

2009-09-02T20:17:00.002-04:00

For someone who enjoys relationships so much and draws energy from being with other people, I haven't had the best track record with maintaining friendships. My elementary school friends didn't carry over to middle school, middle school friends didn't carry over to high school, and my high school friendships exist only on facebook. When I got to college, I decided that this pattern of dropping friends in times of transition needed to end. After all, college was suppose to be the time when you make the friendships that were supposed to last. Now that my friends are scattered around the country, I'm realizing how much effort is required to maintain the relationship. It requires communication (thank goodness for facebook and AIM) and interest.

But the beauty of the relationships that are worth the effort is that sometimes it's almost effortless. I have this one friend who was probably the first friend I made in college, but after graduation we didn't really talk to each other for about 2 to 3 months. When she got engaged, we talked to each other on the phone and the conversation was like not a moment had passed. This weekend, I get to be around campus because of a job interview in town. I have the opportunity to get together with friends while I'm in town, and I have a feeling that it won't feel like I'm visiting. These friends will make me feel like I'm just hanging out with friends - 2 hours from home.

Fall TV Lineup

2009-08-18T14:47:00.004-04:00

As much as I may have ridiculed FOX in the past for their string of poor programming (Temptation Island or Who Wants to Marry a Multi-Millionaire, anyone?), I'm excited for the shows they have to offer this fall. I checked out the TV lineup - basic channels only since I don't have cable - and I've set up my list of shows to watch this fall. FOX is in the lead with 7 hours of programming per week that I plan to watch. Sadly, ABC is last with one hour of programming, even though they used to be the dominant network in my household.

Monday:
8pm - House (FOX) - Hugh Laurie is back as Dr. Gregory House for Season 6 of this unconventional medical drama (or maybe a comedy?). I didn't watch much of Season 5, but I am excited to see how House continues his brilliant work as a diagnostician within the walls of Mayfield Psychiatric Hospital - where he is now a patient. FOX is building anticipation for the September 21 season premiere with their mysterious "Snakes on a Cane" ads. SnakesonaCane.com posts a countdown to the show's premiere, along with a sticky-note that, as of today, says, "I was deluded into thinking I might be crazy." Interesting...

9pm - Lie to Me (FOX) - This show first aired this summer, and quickly caught my interest. It's a drama (riddled with wry humor) about a consultation firm that interprets microexpressions and body language to aid investigations - they are basically human lie detectors. It co-stars Kelli Williams, who I first saw in NBC's Medical Investigation, a show that I wish hadn't been canceled. Drama and real-life science come together in a fascinating TV show.

10pm - Castle (ABC) - Another comedy-drama that premiered this summer, Castle follows a murder mystery novelist who shadows the NYPD to get ideas for his new book and usually ends up helping them solve the case. The show features Nathan Fillion of Firefly and One Life to Live fame as the title character. On top of the murder mystery, the show features some romantic tension between Castle and Detective Kate Beckett, his main contact at the NYPD.

Tuesday:
8pm - So You Think You Can Dance (FOX) - For the first time, the hit summer series airs in the fall for its 6th season. Featuring Emmy-winning choreographers, the reality competition show puts dancers through an audition process before pairing the Top 20 dancers together to perform for America. The winner, based on viewers' votes and judges input, is crowned America's Favorite Dancer and receives $250,000. Usually on Wednesday and Thursday nights, the show is bumped up a night for the fall season. Performances air on Tuesdays, and results on Wednesday nights.

Sadly, SYTYCD is up against another of my favorite shows, NCIS, and its new spin-off, NCIS: Los Angeles. If dance is not your thing, check out the Naval crime investigation drama on CBS (8 and 9pm), also featuring comedic elements. Comedy-drama appears to be my favorite genre of television.

Wednesday:
8pm - SYTYCD results show! (FOX) - Find out which two dancers are eliminated, and which dancers live to dance another day.

9pm - Glee (FOX) - This show aired its pilot over the summer, after the American Idol season finale, and has been building up hype all summer long with TV commercials and mall tours. It's a musical comedy series about a high school teacher who decides to become the new advisor for the school's glee club, of which he was a member back in its glory days. We've already seen the show take on Amy Winehouse's "Rehab" and Journey's "Don't Stop Believin'", and commercials leave us anticipating "Golddigger", too.

Thursday:
8pm - Bones (FOX) - Entering its 5th season, Bones is another crime-solving comedy-drama, following FBI agent Seely Booth and forensic anthropologist Temperance "Bones" Brennan. There's murder, mystery, and of course, romantic tension between the two main characters. Another plus? David Boreanaz, who plays Booth, is the son of my local TV weatherman.

9pm - The Office (NBC) - It's back! Set to premiere its 6th hilarious season on September 17, The Office follows the employees at Dunder Mifflin paper company. This season, we're looking for some answers. Will Michael and Holly get back together? What will happen with the Dwight-Angela-Andy triangle? Is Pam really pregnant? Will Jim & Pam finally get married? Will the Dundies be held at Chili's this year?

9:30pm - Community (NBC) - A new series, Community follows a group of adults taking courses at the local community college. Among the cast is Chevy Chase and Joel McHale, though I'm looking forward to Ken Jeong as Senor Chang. Unfortunately, Community moves to 8pm in October when NBC stops airing SNL Weekend Updates.

10pm - The Mentalist (CBS) - Simon Baker stars as Patrick Jane, a consultant who uses his abilities in observation to solve crimes with the CBI (California Bureau of Investigation). Starting its second season, The Mentalist is yet another crime-solving comedy-drama that I thoroughly enjoy. The genre just doesn't get old.

Back to School Savings, Part 2

2009-08-18T13:07:00.002-04:00

Here are some more tips that I thought of!

4. Make your own fun.
Going out every weekend, whether to the movies or bowling alley, gets expensive. Luckily there are plenty of free or inexpensive things to do for fun. Game nights are definitely popular. Maybe someone brought Apples to Apples or Scattegories from home, or the campus student center has a pool table for you to use. A pad of scrap paper can lend itself to a round of Pictionary Down the Lane for a night of laughter. Throw some snacks into the mix, and you have yourself a party. Other activities include movie nights - see what DVDs other people have, or head to your local Red Box and rent a movie for $1. Gather friends together to watch your favorite TV show each week. Get dressed up, grab a camera, and have a photo shoot with your roommates. The possibilities are endless!
Bottom line: Fun doesn't require money - just a little creativity at times.

5. Take advantage of being a college student.
The first part to this tip is the student discount. Local restaurants or stores may offer a 10% discount to college students. You may need to do some research to see what businesses have set up a discount program with your school. Of course, it doesn't hurt to ask about student discounts when you reach the register. The second part is on-campus activities. My school had free concerts every Wednesday night in the student union, and bigger events for a discounted price a few times each semester. On weekends, our lecture hall doubled as a movie theater where the admission is $1. There are also student recitals, residence hall activities, and many other school-sponsored events to fill your nights and weekends with free entertainment.
Bottom line: You can thank your school for more than just education.

Back to School Savings

2009-08-17T23:25:00.009-04:00

or, things I wanted to say to the teenage shopper at Target.
Seeing as I am currently unemployed, I'm sure these tips will still come in handy for myself and others who are not going back to school.

She was leaving the store with her dad, a cart full of dorm room "essentials", and some charges on her parents' credit card. It was pretty obvious that she is college-bound, leaving home in the next few weeks. As I watched her walk away, I wanted to sit her down and tell her all the things she needed to know about going to college and saving some money. Her parents probably don't know any better - from the looks of her purchases, she is probably their first child going to the big school. Any parent who has already sent a child to college would have already known Tip #1:

1. Don't buy what you don't need.
This, dear teenage consumer, includes that neon green folding chair sitting in your cart. I'm not talking about cozy butterfly chairs or pod chairs, but the plastic church picnic type that usually require a bit of caution upon landing. You won't be needing that chair, but you could probably use the $9 (that is the actual cost of the chair pictured, also available in black and white). Colleges provide desk chairs, usually more comfortable and industrially sturdy, for your study time - that is, if you even use a chair while cracking the books. And folding chairs don't make for comfortable lounging. Beds, however, make for comfortable and readily available (and FREE!) seating options.
1b. A little research comes in handy when doing dorm room shopping.
Make mental (or written) notes when visiting college campuses or talk to students who have already lived in your dorm. Find out what you can leave at home, what's essential, and what comes in handy. You won't need a full-length mirror if there's already one permanently mounted to the back of the door. You won't need shelving units if there are book shelves built into the walls. AND you won't need toasters, 5-arm lamps, or candles since they are more than likely prohibited by your school. ALSO talk to your future roommate to figure out what they are bringing. Perhaps they have inherited a mini-fridge from their older brother who inherited it from a roommate who... etc., which means you won't need to buy one.
Bottom line: You don't need to buy everything on the list, or rather, everything the commercials make you think you need.

2. Make friends.
This is an obvious tip for your social life, but your wallet will also thank you for it. Remember that mini-fridge that was passed down from generation to generation? Free, thanks to some friends. That's how I scored the mini-fridge that I used for 3 years. During my first year, I lived across the hall from some juniors who were leaders on our floor. The apartment they were moving into for senior year already had a fridge, so they gave it to us for free. They got the fridge off their hands, and we got a free fridge. After I graduated, I passed the fridge on to one of my friends. I also passed along a loveseat and a rocking chair, both of which I got for free. It's amazing what people want to get rid of. I have also been able to get free clothes from friends - and strangers, too. Whether it was the changing trends or the Freshman 15, they had plenty of clothes that they didn't want anymore. Some floors set out boxes in their common areas, as a mini-Goodwill of sorts, where you can rummage through and take what you want or leave things of yours for someone else to claim.
Bottom line: One man's trash can be your treasure, though you don't have to go dumpster diving to find it.

3. Buy second-hand.
Speaking of Goodwill (or Salvation Army), buying second-hand is a great money saving tip and a fun outing for friends. The Salvation Army by my campus, or Sal Val as we lovingly call it, has half-off Wednesdays on top of the outrageous bargains you will already find there. It may take some searching, but you can find some quality items for great prices, including some vintage wear or ridiculous 80's dresses that make for some fabulous costumes. Besides the money saving, it's fun to go through the racks with friends and see what fun[ny] outfits you can put together.
Bottom line: Buying second-hand gives you first-hand savings. It's like giving your wallet and your wardrobe a high-five.

Well, it's now after midnight and apparently I'm out of ideas (for now). Stay tuned - I will update when I can think of something other than "Don't spend money".

Return to Suburbia

2009-08-09T20:09:00.002-04:00

At several points during the summer, I contemplated the idea of living in Boston year-round. "I probably could, but I think I would miss driving too much," was usually my response. I like the experience of being on the road, especially with a good soundtrack to keep me company, or good company to entertain me with conversation. After watching Elizabethtown, I've wanted to take a solo road trip around the country to visit a combination of significant and obscure landmarks. Driving is even one of my favorite activities on facebook.

Now that I have returned to the suburbs after a month in Boston, I'm not so sure I would miss driving as much as I thought. I spent the last six weeks relying on my own two feet and MBTA, with only one round-trip drive in a car during the entire time in Boston. I liked having unlimited rides on my T pass, giving me the freedom to hop onto a subway car and ride to the studio or the harbor or the beach. To my surprise, I really enjoyed walking too. Sometimes I walked with purpose, with the grocery store or a restaurant as my destination. I think more often than that, I walked rather aimlessly, choosing a direction and going, hoping I wouldn't get caught in the rain or become too tired for the return home. It was on these walks that I stumbled upon Chinatown, a festival for AccessSportAmerica, the Cheers bar, and a graffiti-covered railway bridge over the Charles River. I'm not usually one for exercise, but I enjoyed the time outdoors over the time spent idling inside. I don't really have the opportunity to explore or walk around aimlessly in the suburbs, though one would think it should be safer. Rather, pedestrians are limited to the shoulders of bustling roadways to get them from residential developments to shopping centers. The other day, I drove from my house to Chick-Fil-A across the street, a distance I would have walked without question in Boston. It's probably as far from my house as the Kenmore Square T stop is from our dorm. It seemed senseless to me, and with that I began to think I could do without driving and live in a city long-term, provided there is a good public transit system there. So at this point, I am allowing myself to look at jobs in Philadelphia, Boston, Washington DC, and Chicago (I couldn't afford to live in NYC...) and using an exercise ball I bought after driving to the store.

The Pros and Cons of Playing House?

2009-07-20T16:20:00.004-04:00

I'm not a big fan of debates. I always find myself at a loss for words, knowing (for the most part) where I stand on the issue but not knowing how to express myself (or defend myself). I may share a thought or two, usually lost in the escalating volume of conversation, before I shut down and sit back to watch the scene unfold. I get overwhelmed by the moment, but I appreciate the subsequent internal struggle as I try to figure out what I believe and what I could have said. And then I can blog about it.

Last night's topic: Pre-marital Cohabitation - Yay or Nay?

There are certainly arguments in favor of cohabitation. It allows the couple to spend more time together, share living expenses, test compatibility, and end the relationship without a messy divorce. Some say that the only way you can truly know your significant other is by living together. Others say that there is no financial sense in paying two rents when couples sleep over at one or the other's place. Certainly all valid arguments, I suppose.

I see myself standing more on the "nay" side of things. I hear people argue that some couples who live together are practically married, but they just don't believe in the institution of marriage. "We don't need a piece of paper to prove we love each other," they say. I say, if you are practically married, why not go ahead and make it a legal status? Married couples can file joint tax returns, act as next-of-kin in medical emergencies, and receive automatic inheritance in the absence of a will among other legal benefits, while cohabiting couples cannot. However, some couples head from cohabitation into marriage, because living together has established barriers to ending the relationship (e.g. shared mortgage, pets, furniture, and children). They marry, even if their relationship is not ready for such a commitment, because they feel trapped.

One of the big arguments against cohabitation is its effect on marriage. Research shows evidence that cohabitation before engagement is associated with lower marriage quality and higher divorce potential. Statistically, couples who lived together before getting married are more likely to divorce than couples who did not live together. Perhaps the correlation between cohabitation and marriage quality is connected to ideas and beliefs about commitment. Cohabitation may create unrealistic ideas about commitment prior to entering a marriage. Couples can easily move in together, and just as easily move out. If cohabitation qualifies as "practically married", or a "trial marriage" as it is often called, and marriage is simply a formality, how easy would it be to call it quits after they say "I do"? Does cohabitation lead couples to think more lightly of actual marriage because it is not much different from this trial period?

While cohabitation may not be much different from marriage in some cases, it seems like a poor imitation of something that is supposed to be sacred and special. Couples may not think much of marriage or realize how special it is supposed to be, because living together in a nominally different situation has lowered their expectations.

Finally, I think it is possible to really know a person without living together. It all depends on how much effort both people put into getting to know each other. What is a person trying to hide if they are a different person when you live with them? What does that say about the level of openness and honesty in the relationship? I cannot think of much you can learn about a person ONLY by living with him or her. Sure, there are the early morning and late night habits. But what does it say about how committed a person is to the relationship if the way he brushes his teeth or the way she sings in the shower is the deal breaker? You can learn just about everything by spending time in conversation with another person. And I think if you can learn so much about a person and still want to marry them, you can learn to live with them. It shouldn't be the other way around.

Resources:
The Pre-Engagement Cohabitation Effect
Qualitative Reports of Problems in Cohabiting Relationships

Only a teenage girl...

2009-07-16T10:00:00.003-04:00

... could draw attention to insecurities I have tried to hide for years.

When I was about 10 years old, my ballet teacher noticed that my legs were structured a bit differently than everyone else. In the middle of barre work, she called the entire class over to ogle. I left that studio within a few years. At my new studio, I worked extra hard on my turnout, just so I could appear "normal" next to all the perfect ballerinas. Teenage insecurity does not disappear easily, even with age. Only in recent years have I become comfortable wearing dresses or shorts in the summer. To this day, I try to stand with my feet turned out so my leg structure is not so pronounced (and I realize that people will now be looking at how I stand).

Sometimes teenagers lack a filter and say whatever comes to their minds, but even if it is unintentional, teenage girls have a knack for finding where you are weak.

Mr. Creeper and Visiting Ladyfriend on Relationships

2009-07-11T18:25:00.002-04:00

Ever since my staff found out that I have yet to have a first kiss, the topic has found itself as the center of conversation on multiple occasions. Fortunately a few of the girls understand my perspective and recognize that I'm just waiting for the right guy to come along. They see nothing strange about not wanting to kiss some random guy on the street corner on a Saturday night. Others, however, don't get it quite yet. One of the guys [jokingly?] considers it his obligation as a man to ensure that I have my first kiss by the end of the summer. Interactions with him have been rather awkward at times, to say the least. Other times, however, I relish the opportunity to take control of the joke (rather than be the butt of it) and tease him about his ideas of obligation and the title of "creeper" I have given him. Another person asked if I am saving my first kiss for my wedding day, perhaps a la the Duggar family of TLC's "18 Kids and Counting".

After last night's duty shift and one round of mafia at 1:30 am, conversation evolved into somewhat of an interrogation consisting of question after question about kissing and relationships, all directed at me. Have you ever had a boyfriend? Would you kiss a guy who has kissed other girls before? What if he's not a virgin? Then they started asking rather ridiculous questions specific to Mr. Creeper, who in fairness is an okay guy despite the title. Would you kiss a guy who is half-black, half-Mexican (which he isn't. Rather the question was asked by a co-worker's Visiting Ladyfriend, who apparently was misinformed)? What about someone who is wearing a green shirt, jeans, and Chucks the night that you kiss him?

Visiting Ladyfriend said my first kiss should just be a drunken mistake so I can get in some practice. Call me idealist or too traditional, but that's not what I want. Her manfriend asked if I drink, to which I said no. Visiting Ladyfriend called my sobriety my "first mistake". I accepted her comments and judgments solely for their entertainment value.

Then they proceeded to ask about my criteria for a guy I would kiss. I'm still not sure if they were asking out of curiosity or to calculate their odds of making out before the end of the summer. My mind went through my "list" - an actual written list of carefully considered qualities I'm looking for in a guy. Since I'm not planning on kissing just anybody, I suppose kissing and dating criteria are one in the same. Topping the list is strong Christian faith, no question. Cultural sensitivity is also pretty important to me, along with honesty, humor, the ability to maintain conversation, compassion, and a few other qualities.

Before the end of the night, I was called a "rarity", an "anomaly", and "straight out of the book" (referring to Boy Meets Girl by Joshua Harris, author of the ever popular I Kissed Dating Goodbye). I was presented with hypothetical (or "hypothetical" and not so subtle?) situations such as "What if you meet a guy - maybe you work with him - and you really hit it off, but he's not an 'active' Christian?" There were other questions like, "Have you ever really liked a guy and been tempted to kiss him?" (to which I say, I may be conservative and traditional, but I am human. And there's nothing inherently evil about kissing or intimacy, but rather the opposite. It's supposed to be something special, something that I don't want to share with just anyone). The whole conversation was rather amusing, though not entirely enjoyed, but thought-provoking at least. I was grateful for the distraction of impromptu waltz lessons that drew everyone's attention away from the conversation at hand. I'm inclined to think I haven't seen the end of this conversation.

Pleasant Surprises

2009-06-30T20:18:00.004-04:00

I think God has been blessing me so much through this experience of being in Boston. I find myself in the company of so many people with such diverse backgrounds, yet at the same time, I also find myself in the company of fellow believers. I was able to go to Park Street Church on Sunday night with two other staff members and two students, which was a great end to a long day. I hope to get back to that church on July 12, because Joni Eareckson Tada will be speaking as part of their bicentennial celebration. I had the opportunity to meet a student from Australia, who is the child of two missionaries and used to attend the Hillsong Church. Today I was reading Through Painted Deserts by Donald Miller and discovered some fellow fans of Blue Like Jazz. At dinner, we had a brief discussion about courtship versus dating, because one of the ladies on staff is reading Choosing God's Best by Don Raunikar, a book that I started but haven't finished reading yet. I haven't thought about courtship in quite a while. I think I got tired of reading about courtship and dating, since I was not involved in either one. None of it seemed very relevant. Though I still don't find it relevant to my current situation, it would be interesting to revisit those books just to see what I think of it all now. Speaking of relationships, this morning's ice breaker turned very interesting. I led our staff in a round of 20 questions, where we each write one question and answer whichever question we pick out of a hat. My question was "Where was your first kiss?" and my answer was "I will let you know when it happens." That was met by a chorus of What?!s and Cesar's suggestion of making Spin the Bottle next week's ice breaker. What a fascinating start to the day!

So far in Boston I have visited Mike's Pastry and bought two cannolis (one chocolate-covered and the other, chocolate mousse); walked through Chinatown and watched a woman verbally accost the clerk while trying to find a Prada backpack (which I later found hanging on a rack) and her coffee (which her boyfriend drank); ate lunch on a dock by the Charles River; briefly visited the Holocaust Memorial; cashed a check at a fancy private bank; traveled to various area stores; and watched teenagers at the studio demonstrate why they were accepted to study this summer at one of America's most elite programs.

The kids have been here for less than a week, and I'm looking forward to so much more.

::UPDATE:: Also in Boston I sang "What's Up" by 4 Non Blondes in a Karaoke Bar (actually just a bar with a karaoke night) and didn't get booed. The older guys in the front who usually booed said "This is a good song" when it started playing, and the whole place was singing along when it got to the "Hey-ey" part. I had a lot of fun without drinking even a sip from the bar. Oh yes, it's possible.

High Hopes

2009-06-24T00:22:00.002-04:00

There is something inherently open and trusting within Residence Life relationships. Though we have only been a group for two whole days, I can see how well our staff was chosen in terms of the dynamic we have already established. New staff members feel welcome to share their own residential experiences, returners share the wisdom that comes with specific Boston Ballet experiences, and we all have demonstrated a willingness to learn with and from one another. What is interesting, however, is that such willingness extends beyond the topic of our common summer mission into personal life experiences. Though a few people may dwell on the quieter side of the spectrum, I cannot say that our group has been exclusive in any way, which I find rather amazing. Sure, cliques may form. But as we learned in our training session with the consulting psychologist, cliques have a purpose and we should not try to separate them. If they did not have a purpose, they would have never formed in middle school. They give us a group to feel secure in because of the commonality. It is when cliques become malicious that they are dangerous.

But back to the inherent trust and openness... I am quite excited to see how the rest of the summer turns out. I have high hopes for our staff and what we will become because of the openness and acceptance I already see. Tonight was a particularly interesting (in a good way) night. After dinner, a group of us - five new staff members who are still new at navigating Boston's public transportation system - decided to find a Dollar Tree based on some hurried directions from a veteran RC (Residential Counselor). It was quite an experience involving missed stops, landmarks with changed names, guidance by the scent of fried chicken, and directions from friendly strangers. But we got there with great joy and excitement, bought a bunch of stuff to use for our residents, and perhaps a few things for ourselves (including a $4 Red Sox shirt from A.J. Wright, which I will wear when I go to the game at Fenway Park in July). I think our successful excursion, without any bickering or catty "I told you we should have gotten off at that stop", is a testament to the trust we have in each other and perhaps also in ourselves to make it through. When we returned, we decided we would stay at the dorm while the other RCs went to a karaoke bar. We thought we would watch a movie while preparing door decorations, but cell phone calls and missing DVD players canceled that plan. While I waited for the others to finish catching their loved ones up on our adventures, I turned on the tv and watched a special about teenage pregnancy. Reconvening in front of the tv, we ended up having a lengthy conversation about sex, society, and faith. While religion may normally be a topic that is avoided among unfamiliar company, it somehow became a very comfortable conversation. We knew that we were in a safe space to share our beliefs and opinions without judgment. And that, my friends, is a wonderful experience.

I wasn't quite sure at the beginning of this week what life would be like outside of the Messiah bubble. For once, discussions of diversity during training did not center around race. There is an obvious variety of religious and political views. Just being in the urban setting of Boston presents its own set of differences. But I was most interested in seeing how the dynamics of faith and spirituality change outside of the bubble. I was quite intentional about omitting Messiah College's classification as a Christian college from my introductions. In an environment where it cannot be assumed that everyone is a Christian, would my faith remain evident through the way I live my life? I have had friends at Messiah tell me that they can see Jesus in me, but sometimes I wonder exactly what they see. Is that just a Christian way of saying someone is really nice? Will my fellow RCs see a nice person, or something more?

Brief Update

2009-06-22T19:45:00.002-04:00

I'm in Boston.
I am outside the Messiah bubble.
People are good.
We are eating ice cream in 14 minutes.
I can see and walk to Fenway Park from my dorm.
I had training all day, and will continue to have day-long training for the rest of this week.
During training I missed a phone call from CURE International wanting to set up a phone interview for a graphic design job.

More to come later, but now it's ice cream time.

Week 2 Favorite

2009-06-19T09:37:00.003-04:00

Karla and Jonathan, Contemporary routine by Stacey Tookey (of SYTYCD Canada)

Last week, I think I was rooting for Karla because she is a fellow Filipino. This week, I voted for her and Jonathan because the piece shows that they are both incredible dancers. I think I may actually want her to win the whole thing. I haven't decided yet.

Week 1 Favorites

2009-06-12T12:28:00.003-04:00

Phillip & Jeanine, Hip-hop routine by Tabitha & Napoleon

Melissa & Ade, Contemporary routine by Mandy Moore

Two Things

2009-06-09T23:08:00.002-04:00

There are two things that give me life, probably more than anything else. People and dance.

This weekend was such a life-giving experience, because I got to go to the beach with three of my friends who also just graduated from Messiah. It was the first time we had seen each other since graduation, and it was great to spend some time catching up and sharing our plans (or lack of plans) with each other. Though the sun didn't come out until the afternoon, there was plenty of adventure and laughter. Plus we were at the beach, and that didn't hurt. Soaking in the rays, daring to stand before the waves, mocking the abundant high school population in spite of our own juvenile games - it was a great day for the beach.

And DANCE! Tomorrow night begins my favorite part of the summer. So You Think You Can Dance! For the next few weeks, SYTYCD treats me to bits of choreographic genius and sheer artistic talent. I sit for two hours with a smile on my face, hugging a pillow with excitement, as couple after couple takes the stage. It's quite a joyful experience.
FOX - Wednesday 8pm (performance), Thursday 9pm (results)

Older

2009-06-02T23:59:00.001-04:00

and wiser? I hope so.

22 years ago today, I needed a change of scenery. I decided that 9 months was long enough to hang out in the womb. It was time to do things a little bit more on my own for a change. You know, things like breathing with my lungs. So I made my way out of the womb, causing some pain along the way. Okay, a lot of pain, but meds probably helped. But the umbilical cord was cut, and I became a separate being.

22 years later, it's the same story. Though I'm not so sure that leaving the womb will be so easy this time. Can babies second-guess if they're ready to be born? Can they say, "You know, I think this is rather comfortable and would like to stay here for a bit longer. This whole nutrients-going-right-through-my-bellybutton thing is kinda cool"? But in either case, the baby has to be born. It's like what my high school English teacher told us before we graduated: womb to tomb. Cradle to the grave. You will die if you refuse to be born.

Now I am not saying that living at home for the past two weeks is killing me. But there will come a time, yet to be determined, for this baby to be born.

So in the words of Alex Waardenburg, "Let's make like a fetus and head out."

Lighting the God Candle

2009-05-31T20:50:00.001-04:00

It was just a little less than a year ago when I decided to start this blog in order to write about the different ways I see God in my life - in song lyrics, images, life changes, and even unexpected ways. Practicing the spiritual discipline of Examen with my staff this year gave me regular opportunities to observe what God uses to give me life and what takes it away each week. This blog then evolved into a record of my Examen observations. But once my staff parted ways, Examen somewhat disappeared from my routine and this blog became a record of life updates as I continue job searching and head into the world of post-graduate life.

Even though my staff is no longer together (physically) to ignite our matches with the God candle, to gasp in horror or laugh in amusement at the beetle landing in wax, or to watch the smoke dance and spiral as each flame is extinguished, I feel the importance of maintaining this practice. But life since receiving my diploma has seemed so monotonous that nothing really struck me as life-giving or life-taking. My day is spent without much interaction with others, and since the majority of my life-giving events this year involved spending time with friends, it almost didn't seem worth it to light the God candle. Though I am feeling rather isolated at home, God continues to give me life. Receiving news about my summer job in Boston has been, by far, the most exciting and uplifting experience since graduation. I am so thankful that everyone has been so supportive and excited for me! I have also been enjoying reading the blogs of the Career Center's summer roadtrippers, out there traveling the country and learning so much. Many of them are fellow graduates, writing about the lessons they have been receiving from Messiah alumni, overnight hosts, interview subjects, strangers, and most of all God. Read about their adventures and life lessons: Cross Country Cruisers, Go West Young Men, and Dreamers & Seekers. Also check out Adventures on the Open Road for Brett Faro's perspective on Go West Young Men's trip across the United States. I anticipate my own trip to Boston to be among the life-giving and enlightening highlights of my summer, though it will most likely also be challenging in ways I have yet to discover. Filled with new experiences and new people, I am sure that God will use the opportunity to teach me about who He wants me to be.

I wouldn't say that this feeling of isolation has been the most life-taking thing of post-graduate life, as I now have the opportunity for reflection, introspection, and a rereading of Gracious Christianity. Rather, the most life-taking thing has probably been the feeling of being misunderstood. Today I learned that my parents indeed expect me to get a job in graphic design. However, their expectation is not based on what they want for my life but on what they thought I wanted. My mom explained to a family friend after church, "She'll take whatever job she can get. That's why she took a job working in Boston for the summer." As we headed to the car, I clarified with my mom that I'm not taking the Boston job because it's what I can get, but because it's something that I really want to do and something that I'm really excited about. If it were about taking what I could get, you would find me flipping burgers or back at the ticket booth in Sesame Place. But my dad assured me, I would have chosen a graphic design job over Boston if it were offered. True - to an extent. I would have chosen a full-time graphic design job with benefits (OR a full-time residence life job with benefits) over the summer-only position in Boston, because that just makes financial sense. During the car ride home, I told them that I am looking at RD jobs not because it's "what I can get" but because it's something I am interested in, and that I did not become an RA for the free housing but because I really enjoy it. The rest of the ride was rather quiet, as is usually the case when I am honest with my parents (mostly because I wait until I am frustrated or upset to tell them what I really think or how I really feel). It is frustrating having differing opinions on my future, but that is not what is life-taking in this experience. It is this feeling of "I don't understand why my parents don't know how much residence life means to me after I spent the last two years as an RA."

Now I don't mind that my mom only got a 70% on my "How well do you know Cindy?" facebook quiz. But it is something else to discover that my parents don't know what is important to me. The lesson to draw from this experience is probably the importance of honesty and openness after spending 21 (22 on Tuesday) years of biting my tongue. And speaking the truth before it gushes in a deluge of frustration will probably help me to have a more gracious tone of voice, allowing my words and thoughts to find a more receptive audience.

One Week Out

2009-05-24T23:16:00.001-04:00

Around this time last week, I was pulling into the driveway of my parents' house after four years of calling Messiah College "home." It feels like I've been here much longer than one week (maybe because I haven't accomplished much?). Now I'm not so sure what it will be like waiting for June 21 to roll around. [Only] 4 weeks until I head up to Boston, and there's only so much unpacking/moving back in/repacking that I can do. I have yet to fully settle in to my old room, though I feel okay calling this place "home" again. Right now, I have a small office set up in the corner of my bedroom, with a Messiah College sweatshirt blanket over my bed, and my old books on the shelf. And finding a temporary home on top of my dresser are a pair of my baby shoes, my old retainer, a ceramic Precious Moments jewelry box, and framed photos of my 2nd grade dance recital - things I can't really get rid of but don't know where to put (or in the case of some of those photos, hide). In the process of putting everything in its place, I unearthed some hidden treasures from the early days of college. I found a scrapbook of college memories, which I left unfinished after sophomore year but completed during The Price is Right one afternoon. It now sits on a bookshelf next to a scrapbook full of high school memorabilia and inside jokes that no longer make any sense. The most entertaining discovery was my Faith Journey Map and notebook from Created and Called for Community. It is safe to say that I have changed since my first year at Messiah. One part of the entertainment and humor of this discovery is getting a glimpse of my first-year mindset and world view. The other part is reading Brian Smith's margin notes and comments.

For your reading pleasure:

There were no Christian fellowship groups in elementary school that could facilitate spiritual growth, nor was there persecution that forced me to be strong in my faith. I had slipped into complacency at a time when I did not even know what the word "complacency" meant.
Wow. In 4th grade I was too busy playing with G.I. Joe to worry about stuff like this!

Over time, I learned that my opposition to art education was because of my own pride and desire for a more prestigious career. It became clear that teaching art was both something that I enjoyed and that God desired for my life.
This sounds like you're trying to convince yourself.
Yes, Brian. I was trying to convince myself. And I did so until October of my junior year when I finally changed my major.

It was refreshing to have such strong Christians as good friends and to see Christian kindness and faith in perfect strangers. One afternoon the random comment of a fellow student challenged not so much my faith but the sincerity of my faith, encouraging me to be intentional about reading God's word. I thanked him later for his words, and he, practically a complete stranger, replied with even more encouragement.
Some of my friends have heard this story, not in the context of Christian faith and encouragement, but in the context of how this stranger became a crush of mine. What can I say, I'm a sucker for Bible-reading guys.

Personally, I haven't listened to much secular music. Why listen to secular radio when every other song is sub-Christian standards? Why not listen to music whose melodies and rhythms are the same as secular, but whose lyrics are glorifying God?
Oh, how much I would have missed out on had I continued to listen exclusively to contemporary Christian music...

What was it Brian Smith said? God would be a mule if He were an animal? Or something along the lines of being a hard worker incapable of reproducing... Now I can't remember, except it was really funny.
Oh, boy...

"Messiah College. Or Bob Jones. You pick. The choice was a fairly easy one." - probably a Brian Smith quote

Just because I like art and I'm good at it doesn't necessarily mean it's my calling, does it? I like food and I'm good at eating, but I doubt God would call me to an eating ministry.
Now you're thinking.

Good times.

Boston, Here I Come!

2009-05-22T20:06:00.004-04:00

I got the call today - I have been accepted to work for the Boston Ballet this summer! I will be working as a Residential Counselor for their summer youth program at their Boston campus, where the 15- to 19-year-old students stay. They have another campus for their 10- to 14-year-old students. Needless to say, I am excited about this opportunity!

Though I have a job for the summer, I will continue searching for something more long-term (with benefits!). Recently, I have been focusing my search on positions in student affairs/residence life (i.e. RD jobs). It's an area of great interest for me, and as a bonus, RDs don't have to worry about finding housing. However, I get the feeling that my parents expect me to get a job in graphic design to put my degree (and education/tuition) to use. I see that. It makes sense. Why buy a car just to let it sit in a garage (though people do that too...)? So I'm hoping that this experience in Boston will give me some insight. Perhaps doing some res life work, outside the context of Messiah College, will help me discern if this is really what I want to pursue. Who knows - maybe I'll end up going to grad school?

What I Will Remember

2009-05-20T23:20:00.001-04:00

Rachel posted something like this on Facebook, and encouraged others to do the same. So here's what I will remember from each year of my time at Messiah College. What will you remember?

First Year:
- Hess Basement :)
- Wearing Chucks to the homecoming dance, and starting a personal tradition that lasted almost all four years
- An Amish Paradise? FYS, Popsicles, Witness at Dave's house, and a field trip to Sally Esh's house
- The Bob Jones University/Beyonce remix
- Created and Called for Community with Brian Smith
- Dictator Bowling and "The Suitor" read-aloud

Sophomore Year:
- Bittner 3rd, and the ever spacious quad
- Acclamation Ballet 2
- Bucket of chickens and Little Miss Sunshine
- Hmmm... I don't seem to remember much from sophomore year...

Junior Year:
- Joining Res Life as part of Bittner (and SoCo) staff!
- Dressing up as a Mexican bandit for a mystery dinner
- Changing my major to Studio Art!
- Dinner Squad :)
- Staying on campus for the summer with some great friends

Senior Year:
- Skelly Staff <3
- Senior show
- Footloose!
- Men's Volleyball, t-shirts and road trips
- Breakfast Club and Lunch Bunch
- Human Sexuality and Abnormal Psych
- Graduation, of course...

It will be interesting to reflect on my college experiences in a few years, or a few decades even. Memories come to mind easily now, and even the most obscure moments return with a trigger. But when everything stops being so fresh, what will I remember? My hope is that I will remain connected with my college friends somehow, and these memories will not be lost because our friendship will serve as living reminders of all the special moments.

The Long Ride Home

2009-05-19T01:38:00.011-04:00

The car was packed. The door was locked. Goodbyes were said. I hit the play button on my iPod and hit the road. I left Messiah with my belongings and four years of memories. The soundtrack for my journey was a playlist I like to call "The Weepies & Friends", which I made for Corrie a little bit ago and have been listening to lately. With each song, I realized that it was lyrically the perfect mix for this particular trip.

1. "Run" by Addison Road
This song was playing as I drove down College Avenue, past cemetery hill, toward Lisburn Road. I could feel tears coming and it was suddenly difficult to sing along. The tears never flowed, but with this song I think I realized that this was goodbye.

Stoplights, breakdown, we cry, last try
Worlds collide, time to decide
Where you want to go in this great big world
Where you want to go in this great big world
Stuck here too long in this sad song
Lost on a street, everyone has
Vanished and you're all alone
But you don't know where to go
Yeah you're all alone
And you want to go home

Run just as fast as you can
Run, 'til you reach the end
Where the fallen finally land
And your world starts over again
Run

Next page, new day, finding my way
Stumble upon the strength to move on
I am not alone in this great big world
And you are not alone in this great big world

You're free, free falling
A new beginning
This is our time

2. "Keep It There" by The Weepies

I came down on a bottle rocket
Found my heart right where I locked it
Last night like rain on chalk
It's gone like money in my pocket

All my troubles in the rear view mirror, I know, I know
All my troubles in the rear view mirror, I know, I know
I got, I got, I got to keep them there

3. "Hologram" by Katie Herzig

Time is ticking so fast
Does anything last
Soon I will be just a part of your past
I'll leave you with this
You hold on in blissful memories

4. "Rainy Weather Friend" by David Mead

All of these rusting souvenirs
I know you've always had a good heart
Whatever tales you'd lend an ear

5. "If I Ever" by Alli Rogers

I don’t have words to tell you how I’m feeling
I don’t think any language can
At times like these silence is appealing
Somehow I know you understand

And if I ever lose my hearing
If I ever lose my sight
If all my five senses leave
I know we’d be alright
Cause it seems your heart is a part of mine

So this is how it feels to be breathless
When someone walks out of the room
Stay by me, we can be timeless
Less than forever is too soon

6. "In No Time at All" by Article One

In no time at all the world could fall to pieces
In no time at all our lives could come apart
We never know where life will take us

7. "I Want to Belong to You" by Katie Herzig

I’ll stay right where I am
‘Til you come back
Don’t let me lose you
Before there’s a chance to begin

Suddenly light on my feet
With a sweet rearrange of the day
Everything’s changing

One quick exchange
It’s not the same
Kind of goodbye
Gone with a sigh

8. "Simple Life" by The Weepies

And everyday since I've found you
Such moments we steal
Like little thieves, we rub our hands
We hold our hearts between them.

Move on, move on
Time is accelerating.

9. "Twenty Girls Ago" by David Mead
Okay, so this one I couldn't really connect to the lyrics directly. But there's a general theme of reminiscing and time passing that seemed relevant.

1o. "Wish You Well" by Katie Herzig

I want to wish you well
I didn’t watch you go
Cause I suppose I don’t know how
I will remember you
Not the way you left but how you lived
And what you knew

11. "Coming Back to You" by Seth Kallen & The Reaction
Honestly, I didn't include this song in the playlist for its lyrics. I chose it mostly because of the sweet banjo solo in the middle, and because I went to high school with the drummer.

But I'm coming back
I'm always coming back to you

12. "Hard Times" by Eastmountainsouth

Let us pause in life's pleasures and count its many tears
While we all sup sorrow with the poor
There's a song that will linger forever in our ears
Oh, hard times come again no more

13. "Long Ride Home" by Patty Griffin

I've had some time to think about you
And watch the sun set like a stone
I've had some time to think about you
On the long ride home

14. "Hope" by Alli Rogers

Hope, I'll be waiting, I'll be holding on to...
I am never knowing, so I'll be holding on to hope

15. "My Sweet Darling" by Seth Kallen, featuring Melody Gardot

I know that fairy tales are always ending
You know that this world is meant for mending

16. "Reverie" by Randall Goodgame
My friends have loved me in so many ways over the past four years.

When I'm lost, she finds me
When I'm all tied up, she unwinds me
When I forget my name, she reminds me

17. "Spell" by Marie Digby
Just a generally beautiful song that is worth a listen.

18. "Hope Now" by Addison Road

When my life is like a storm
Rising waters all I want is the shore
You say I'll be ok and
Make it through the rain
You are my shelter from the storm

Everything rides on hope now
Everything rides on faith somehow

I have yet to have an emotional breakdown that lasts longer than a few beats or measures. I wonder if I am just coping extremely well with this change, or if I have not yet realized what has happened.

Getting closer to Boston...

2009-05-14T13:17:00.005-04:00

Yesterday I had my second interview for a summer position with the Boston Ballet. It went well, and apparently my interviewer thinks the same. Today I was asked to provide four professional references, which is the next step in the process. I may find out soon if I will be spending the summer in Boston!

An Interesting Day

2009-05-11T22:58:00.002-04:00

Today I...
- fulfilled my last academic obligation by watching Wag the Dog after turning in a paper
- treated a friend to a Lottie meal
- picked up my cap and gown
- took down all my hall decorations
- ate sushi
- experienced Messiah's first ever lockdown after apparently a robbery suspect fled onto campus

fun day!

Job Update

2009-04-30T17:41:00.002-04:00

After almost three months of waiting, I have finally heard back from SOMEONE about a possible job. On February 4, I sent my resume to the Boston Ballet. They have an intense summer dance program for youth approximately ages 8 to 19. The dancers live in dorms over the summer and also go on excursions during the program. I applied for the Residential Counselor and Assistant Resident Director positions, which have duties similar to what I do now as a Resident Assistant. I would basically be an RA for these young dancers, and accompany them on their excursions to Red Sox games and dinner cruises. Several weeks had passed and I still hadn't heard anything from them. Another RA on campus also applied for the job, and when I found out she already had her phone interview (while I was still waiting to hear about scheduling an interview), I assumed I didn't get the job. After all, they would only be contacting the applicants they wanted to interview. Even more time passed and I found out this other RA had been offered a position but turned it down. I thought for sure that I was passed over for the job if spot had already begun to be filled. But lo and behold, I got an email yesterday from the Boston Ballet asking if I was still interested and if I am available for a phone interview. He apologized for such a long delay, but they had received over 300 applications and were making their way through the pile. This new development in the job search is quite timely, because my love for dance was recently revived this past weekend after the Acclamation Dance Ministry Spring Concert. I'm very excited for this opportunity, and for something in this whole process to show progress. So Wednesday at 1:30 pm EST, I'll be on the phone.

An Update

2009-04-23T20:32:00.002-04:00

I disappeared for a bit. So an update on life.
Senior Show - done. My Artist Statement and Artist Talk are posted below for your reading pleasure.
Graduation - approaching. 23 days, I think. Not really too much that I need to do before then, but probably more than I would like. Senioritis is contagious.
Job - none. Probably 15 resumes, maybe more, are out there right now. Now we wait.

Artist Talk

2009-04-23T20:22:00.003-04:00

And this is what I had to say, more in depth...

Often times when I consider ideas of identity, it is easier to say who I am not rather than who I am. When others try to put me into a box, it is easier to point out why I do not belong there than to offer an alternative categorization. The concept for my exhibit evolved from this idea of discrepancy in identity and the desire to express how I differ from societal expectations.

In art classes, we tend to joke about the poor math skills of artists, but over the past four years I have noticed how bothered I get by this practice. Throughout my years in school, my parents placed great emphasis on academics, and I was able to experience success, particularly in math. It cannot say with much certainty if I have maintained the same mathematical abilities as I had in high school. However, I can say that I am frustrated with the idea that some people will underestimate my abilities simply because I am an artist.

When I first began coming up with concepts for senior show, this frustration was on my mind. Originally, I wanted to use this work to prove that while I am an artist, I am not bad at math. I considered exploring the forms and typographical qualities of calculus equations to demonstrate the integration of the arts and academics. However, after speaking with Professor Prescott about the “artist personality,” I realized that there are many assumptions about artists other than those regarding our math abilities.

I then began considering using typography to represent a statistical analysis of the behaviors and personalities of Messiah College’s artists. I planned to survey the art faculty and students about various artist stereotypes, hoping to discover that such stereotypes were not true. Statistically, do artists have troubled childhoods and substance abuse issues? Are artists more introverted or extroverted? Liberal or conservative? I hoped to find out what was true.

Stereotypes about artists were things I never really thought about before. Discussions about stereotypes and identity usually required me to talk about my race and what it is like being Asian-American. It was an interesting process talking about something other than race in a discussion of stereotypes. However, as much as I may get tired of talking about race or racism, I realized that it is an integral part of my identity. I realized that if I were to do a project that explored stereotypes, race could not be ignored.

My concept then expanded to the exploration of stereotypes about artists, Asians, Christians, and women – and also narrowed its focus on me as an individual and the various ways I think I break these stereotypes. I chose to use movie stills to represent the stereotypes, because media are often the ones responsible for perpetuating generalizations about various people groups. I decided to use digital photography to explore self-perception because I consider myself an artist when I am behind a camera more so than when I am in front of a computer.

The layout of my piece was influenced by these images by Robert Rauschenberg and April Greiman. Each row focuses on a particular stereotype, and when arranged in a grid creates two fragmented full-body portraits that integrate the various aspects of my identity.

The portrait on the left expresses what I should look like according to society’s expectations while the column on the right acts as a self-portrait. I used the middle column to connect and contrast the two portraits both visually and conceptually through the use of type.

The first row focuses on the artist aspect of my identity. For this stereotype, I chose to use a movie still from “Benny and Joon,” in which one of the main characters is an artist with a diagnosed mental disorder. Johnny Depp plays Sam, another highly creative character with mental issues of his own. This semester I have had the pleasure of taking Abnormal Psychology and learned that research has shown a correlation between creativity and psychosis. This perhaps may serve as a basis for the “crazy artist” image and the stereotypical inner turmoil that drives and inspires the art and creative process. Art has never really been an act of catharsis for me, or an outlet to express the emotional struggles that I am experiencing. The closest I have gotten to this is carrying my camera along with me when I feel like taking a walk during times of stress. I do not sit waiting for divine inspiration, either. I take a much more logical or analytic approach to my work, making lists and jotting down ideas as I brainstorm or look up ideas and imagery online.

The second row represents ideas of what it means to be a Christian. Media representations of Christianity are often in a negative light, showing us to be hypocritical like Mandy Moore’s character in the movie Saved! or judgmental like the members of Westboro Baptist Church, founders of GodHatesFags.com. We see that congregation on the news picketing funerals and blaming homosexuals for 9/11 and Hurricane Katrina. The media image used for this aspect of identity is from Footloose, a film that depicts the citizens of the small Christian town of Bomont to be close-minded and suspicious of music, books, and dancing – and new people in general. I fear that people have this image of judgmental Christians in mind without understanding that Christ lived with an open door of love and compassion.

The third row depicts my perception of being Asian. This was a particularly difficult set of images to create, because I wasn’t exactly sure what I wanted to communicate. My parents had lived in the States for about 20 years before I was born, and they raised me in suburban white America. This made it difficult to think about what it means to be Asian, because I generally do not think of myself as Asian, but as culturally white. I chose, then, to explore the assumption that being Asian in appearance means being Asian in culture. The movie still from “Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon” features what seems to be traditional dress, something that we would consider exotic and foreign. The placement of the hands is somewhat structured and suggests someone subdued, a trait we generally associate with Asians. I decided to counter this with blue jeans, attire that is culturally generic with no connotations of foreignness. My posture is informal and not submissive, but perhaps suggests a sense of defiance.

I used the final row to explore issues of womanhood and femininity. In the movie “In Her Shoes,” from which I got the movie still, shoes were the common ground between two sisters who were polar opposites. Shoes and womanhood were among the very few things that the two women shared. This image of the stiletto heel represents the societal expectation that femininity is synonymous with being a woman. Dolls, dresses, high heels – all women are expected to enjoy these things; those who don’t are somehow less feminine and perhaps even less of a woman. I contrasted the image of the high heels with an image of my Chuck Taylors, well-worn and well-loved, and not typically feminine. As I consider my personality, I find that I am not particularly feminine either. When I am in a group of guys, I tend to become one of the guys rather than stick out as the only girl. I have learned that even the way I handle stress is typical of males rather than females.

Some may say that all these differences make me atypical, or less than what they were expecting me to be. Those who hold such views or expectations have probably allowed the label to become the identity, and therefore expect something unrealistic. These differences do not make me any less of a person, but rather they make me more of an individual and more of myself.

Artist Statement

2009-04-23T20:20:00.000-04:00

Just in case you were interested in reading...

"To know what you prefer instead of humbly saying Amen to what the world tells you you ought to prefer, is to have kept your soul alive."
- Robert Louis Stevenson

Though we live in a society that has taught us to accept truth as relative, we are also surrounded by media outlets that tell us who we are with almost absolute certainty. Movies and television feed us images and messages of what is standard or acceptable. However, it can be difficult to navigate through these media messages, with their stereotypes and representations of the ideal, to find something we can call “reality.” The media utilizes stereotypes to create an immediate sense of familiarity between the audience and the characters on screen, but by doing so, the media also reinforces inaccurate perceptions of reality in the minds of the audience members. We attempt to justify generalizations with the belief that stereotypes have a basis in fact, and eventually stock characters become representatives of entire populations, which we compare to the diverse individuals in the group.

Based on such stereotypes, society has subsequently developed expectations for my life – expectations for who I am as an artist, a Christian, an Asian, and a woman. The reflection in my mirror is of someone who fails to meet these expectations. Thus when others view my life, it may be with confused or even critical eyes as they face a person who challenges their assumptions. They may question if I am a true artist since I seem to lack the dramatic fits of inspiration and inner turmoil of the artists they have come to expect and accept. They may wonder what kind of Christian I am, believing that my faith ought to demonstrate compassion rather than condemnation. I, myself, wonder where I fall on the Asian/American spectrum and ask if either group will completely accept my multi-cultural self. And others may consider me “gender-bending” or perhaps less of a woman because I am not a paragon of femininity. I do not consider myself a typical artist, Christian, Asian, woman, or “fill-in-the-blank.” Society may agree, labeling me an “exception to the rule” or perhaps “abnormal.” But for me, this is reality and individuality.

Ready for a break from break

2009-03-20T18:17:00.002-04:00

Reading. Eating. That's all I've done over this Spring Break, it feels like. Or talk to people online about reading and eating. The only thing that felt like a break was going to Core Creek Park one afternoon and walking around for about two hours with my camera. There weren't a lot of people at the park that day, so I had the opportunity to wander along the water's edge and out onto the dock without feeling bothered. I'm ready to go back to campus, though. With all the homework I've been doing this past week, I might as well be on campus and in an academic context. Besides, on campus I'll actually have people my age to spend time with. Tomorrow, I'll be heading back to a social life :)

Spring Break!

2009-03-16T00:40:00.002-04:00

Hanging out at home doing homework and finishing up Senior Show is a bit less exciting than camping on the beach in St. Augustine, FL. This year is definitely different from last year, but I'm sure that when I get the chance to really relax, I will appreciate it. I feel like the past few weeks or so have been pretty whirlwind, and the next couple of weeks will be about the same. So this week is the eye of the storm, I suppose.

Looking back, I see...
joy at the birth of Seraphina Marie Williams.
the emotional difficulty of RA selection going on around me and the realization that I will not be returning to Res Life next year.
the frustration of seeing friends struggling and not knowing what to do to help.
fun times with friends and the opportunity to enjoy a good weekend.

Looking ahead, I see...
the opening of Senior Show in two weeks. A source of great anxiety until next week, and a source of great relief after March 28th.
graduation in exactly two months and leaving student life at Messiah.

Senior show and graduation are the only two things I am certain are in my future. Well, that and homework. Everything else is up in the air. I am in the process of applying for different jobs in different fields - some in different states, too. The waiting game begins. In a way, it is a positive experience taking this step toward a post-Messiah life. An act of acceptance, I guess. But at the same time, it's very unnerving - this experience of beginning to leave the nest, not knowing if I can fly, wondering how hard the ground will feel if I fall.

For now, I must rest in the uncertainty and hope of the future - whoever and whatever it contains.

Senior Show: In Progress

2009-02-18T15:02:00.003-05:00

I'm making great progress on my senior show, which is quite a relief. While it is stressful at times, it is a mostly positive experience. Having a definite direction and focus for my work has probably been the life-giving aspect of this project. I know what I'm doing and where I want to go with this. The images I produce along the way are probably the greatest source of uncertainty because I have to debate with myself, "What am I trying to communicate?" Is there a concrete message that I want people to walk away with, or do I want to create a certain sense of ambiguity? This semester I am auditing Abnormal Psych, and the other day we talked about classifications and the effect of labeling. My professor said that often labels become the identity, and it shapes our perceptions of behavior and of people. Do I want to affix a concrete label to my work and say, "this is what I wanted this image to represent," and have everyone walk away from my work with that clear idea? Or do I want people to walk away from my work with their own construction of meaning? I should probably figure that out. One of my art professors said I need to think about the message I want people to receive from my work. His opinion was that my work was "gender-bending"... And if my piece is essentially a self-portrait, what does that mean?

by request: opening 2009

2009-01-28T17:38:00.004-05:00

J-term is officially over! I've been taking Native American Cultures, which wasn't a terribly difficult class (considering the final turned out to be optional). It was frustrating, though, learning about all the injustices the Native American people faced throughout history and continue to face. If you get a chance, learn a little bit about the Carlisle Indian School and take a trip down to the cemetery. Some good books to read are Mean Spirit by Linda Hogan and Wisdom of the Native Americans.

Other than class, I've spent some time with my staff learning about Sabbath and the importance of rest. This coming semester, I hope to practice Sabbath regularly. And in order to do that, I've realized the need to let go of academic perfection. I'm auditing one class and taking another pass/fail. I had been signed up to take it for a letter grade and use the course as a GPA booster. But really, what's the point? I'm taking the class to learn some new things and earn the credit. In the end, does GPA really matter? An interesting lesson to learn as I go into my final semester of college...

bringing 2008 to a close...

2008-12-31T23:59:00.000-05:00

In retrospect, 2008 has been a pretty good year despite its ups and downs.

January brought the start to a new semester after spending Christmas with my entire immediate family. It was the first time I had seen my nephew since my high school graduation. J-term was enjoyable, as I was able to take a class with many of my friends. Despite a sprained ankle the first week, an unfortunate encounter between my finger and a steel rod the second week, and bronchitis the final week, January was still fun.

The highlight of February was going on a retreat with Bittner/Mellinger staff to the Bob White Hunting Cabin. It was a great time to get away from campus and homework. We spent a lot of quality time together, getting to know each other even better, watching Surf's Up, and sharing lots of laughs. We also had the opportunity to reflect on the previous semester and the year ahead as most of us were preparing to re-apply for another year in residence life. The semester was off to a difficult start, academically, so the retreat came as a welcome distraction.

Spring Break in March meant a road trip to St. Augustine, FL, where I camped on the beach with friends. I also got to celebrate Easter with aunts, uncles, and cousins, and my immediate family while in Florida. It was another chance to see my nephew, and I found it exciting that he remembered me from Christmas. March was also defined by dramatic ups and downs. My sister received word that she had raised 100% of her financial support, which would allow her to leave for the Philippines as a missionary for Wycliffe Bible Translators. This was great news, and news we had been waiting for. We were excited that she would finally be able to head for the Philippines. Plans changed, though, when word came the very next day of my mom's leukemia diagnosis. It was obviously difficult news to hear, but I am absolutely thankful for my friends at Messiah who supported and comforted me in the following weeks.

April was an overall great month. Some of my friends in residence life and I participated in Relay for Life, a 12-hour walk that raises money for cancer research. It was an encouraging event that let me see my friends' continued support for my family and their commitment to prayer.

May brought the end of the semester and the end of the school year. It was an end different than most, because I was not moving out but staying on campus for the summer. The beginning days of work were very boring, but I was really glad to have friends on campus who made everything much more enjoyable. June and July were mostly the same as May. The end of May and half of June was spent in Philly for my cross-cultural. I was able to take in many activities in the city and serve in a community garden almost every day. The conversations I had with the neighborhood youth were really interesting and eye-opening, as I got to hear about their parents' struggles as refugees from the Vietnam War. The required class, or rather the instructor, was frustrating. An uncomfortable experience toward the end of the course left me frustrated and a bit angry, but opened me up to addressing issues of race and identity throughout the fall semester.

August brought the long-awaited week of Residence Life training, meeting old and new staff members, bonding with and facing the uncertainty of an all-female staff, etc. A great time of excitement, the unknown, laughter, and learning. All the fear and anxiety of that time has since gone away, as my staff has proven time and time again that there is nothing to fear.

September was the beginning of a new school year: time to face senior courses and other classes I wasn't particularly looking forward to. This past semester was difficult for many people in many ways, but many people also agree that the difficulties taught us a lot. For me, the difficulty of the fall has allowed me to look forward to the spring semester and the end of college. At the beginning of the year, I was very reluctant for the end of the year and for graduation, but now I think I'm more accepting and maybe even excited for graduation.

October and November continued to bring difficulty with classes and life in general. I was able to take some time away with my new staff for a retreat in late October. Together we relaxed, laughed, reflected, and prayed. Thanksgiving was spent with the immediate family in Florida. Though the traveling was exhausting and we only spent two whole days there, the time together was great.

December brought a welcome end to the semester, and holiday time with family. I was very thankful for time without homework filled with movies and meeting up with friends - an occurrence I haven't seen in a long time.

I'm really looking forward to 2009. The courses ahead of me this semester will be a lot of fun, and even more fun are the people taking the classes with me. Of course, there's also graduation and whatever is in store afterward. 2009 will bring a lot of change and many new experiences. Though it's certainly unnerving not knowing what lies ahead, it will surely be an exciting time. I'm planning on capturing all the milestones (and the little events too) through photos by jumping on the photo-a-day bandwagon for 2009. There's a new camera in the mail (expected to arrive on Friday!) that will make this endeavor a bit easier and make me that much more eager to follow through with this intention.

I hope 2008 has treated you well, or at least has taught you many things. Happy 2009!

People make me laugh...

2008-12-24T16:19:00.007-05:00

Like last night, for instance.

I was volunteering with my family at my home church. Every year, our church does a living nativity with live animals and everything. Camels, goats, sheep, and Jack the Donkey. This year, instead of braving the elements, our family decided to bring refreshments to feed the actors and keep them warm. Among the treats was some homemade chicken noodle soup. Some Swanson broth and fettuccine pasta. Delicious. People kept coming in and out of the kitchen to grab a bowl of it. I admit, I even had a cup of the stuff, though I was comfortably warm the entire night.

Enter "Michelle".

She seemed a little chilly. She deserved some soup. She, too, thought it tasted really good. And she told us so.

"This Chinese chicken noodle soup is really good."

Excuse me, what? Swanson broth and Barilla pasta... is Chinese? My two parents, my sister, and I just let it slide.
"You guys usually don't put noodles in it," she continued. Actually, my family always puts noodles in chicken noodle soup. Perhaps she was thinking of won-ton soup? That's Chinese. But my family isn't.

Then she said, "You guys don't celebrate Christmas. What do you celebrate?" Her brother-in-law, who goes to church with us, interjected, "Yes they do," with a roll of his eyes.

"Chinese New Year?" Michelle asked. Silence. "Are you Chinese?" Silence.

I waited for my parents to respond. They finally said, "No."

"What are you? Korean?"

Filipino. What? We're Filipino. What? We're from the Philippines. What? Filipino.

"Oh, Filipino. I grew up with a Filipina. Yeah, her family was from the Filipino. Her name was... Lisa. They had 7 kids." Thank goodness she didn't ask us if we knew her. Because contrary to popular belief, we don't know every other Asian person in the entire world. "Now that I look at you, I can see you're not Chinese. You look Filipino. You have flatter faces. And you're prettier. Your faces are... different." Thanks?

One of Michelle's relatives entered the kitchen. "Try some of this Filipino chicken noodle soup," Michelle said. "It's really good."
"Actually it's American," my mom tried to say. Swanson broth and Barilla pasta. About as un-Asian as you can get.

I really wish I could get inside her head. Did she think we were Chinese caterers to provide refreshments for the church volunteers? Really, how often do you ask someone from outside the church to volunteer? Unless she thought we were getting paid? I guess I will never really know.

We weren't offended by the whole experience. She didn't mean any harm, and we're used to this sort of thing (unfortunately). It's just a shame that there are plenty of other Michelles out there who just don't know any better.

But thanks for the laughs, Michelle. I really enjoyed your white people chocolate chip cookies.

I really should keep up with this...

2008-12-16T23:34:00.003-05:00

It's a lot harder to update when you don't remember what to write. Now I have to catch up on the past few weeks if I can remember what was significant.

Thanksgiving Week - obviously seeing family was very life giving. The travel was definitely exhausting (driving from Pennsylvania to Florida, and back), but having the whole family together was great. It was especially great seeing my 4-year-old nephew who says the cutest things these days. We took him to the park, which he insists is everyone's, and tried to get him to ride down the tunnel slide. He said he was scared because it was dark, then sighed, "I wish I had my light-up shoes." The most life-taking aspect of break, other than all the work that waited for me when I got back, was hearing of the death of my friend's dad late Tuesday night/early Wednesday morning. It was difficult not knowing what to do or how to respond and feeling like I wasn't close enough of a friend to be able to comfort her. Continue to pray for that family as this transition is a very difficult one.

The next couple weeks were particularly difficult because of all the work. Some of the biggest projects and papers were due at this time, all at once. And though I have known about these assignments all semester long, I found a way to postpone starting them until the week/weekend before they were due. But I was able to finish everything on time, and I think that feeling of relief was probably the most life-giving aspect. Connecting with friends was another significant part of last week. One friendship in particular has been on the decline, in my opinion, which was terribly frustrating since it is one of the most important friendships to me. After several postponements, I was finally able to meet with that friend to discuss the state of our friendship. I'm feeling hopeful for improvements, though I also feel like it's a wait-and-see kind of situation. I also got to have dinner with another good friend who I just haven't seen as often, but still feel particularly close to. It was wonderful catching up and talking about what lies ahead - including a class together next semester!

This past weekend was interesting, but in a good way, I think. Friday was the last day of classes - the end of a VERY long semester for almost everyone. I normally don't have my advanced graphics class on Fridays, but our deadline was pushed back and we had our crit at our professor's house. Pretty much a semester's worth of work building up to this one crit - presenting our final projects and our portfolio. All semester long, I have been waiting for Dave (my prof) to call my work "killer", which is basically the ultimate compliment. After going through my portfolio, Dave said there was only one thing that needed to be changed - my name label - and once that was fixed, it would be killer. Big smiles. It was a lot of fun, too, to sit around and socialize after the crit. We have begun referring to ourselves as "The Family," which is what it feels like now. I wouldn't have imagined feeling this connection with the other graphics students before, but I really appreciate the camaraderie we have. After the crit, I went to Christmas Tradition, which is the winter formal at the Hershey Lodge. Though changing clothes in the bathroom and waiting by myself was a bit awkward, the night was a lot of fun. Having fun and enjoying the company of friends is so much more enjoyable than tracking down dangerously intoxicated students.

Saturday was such a long, but good, day. After 10 hours in the textiles studio, I went to a Christmas party with some friends. Good times and good food had by all. And I got to talk with another party guest, who works for Messiah College, and set up a job for J-term/Spring semester doing some work for the Agape Center website. After we got back to campus, I went back to the textiles studio and worked until 2:30 am finishing my quilt - which isn't due until tomorrow. I think I have officially crossed over into crazy art major territory.

This week is finals week, though it is surprisingly easy. I only have one exam this semester, which was this morning. I'm fairly confident I did not get an A, but I'm okay with that. I'm really enjoying this free time, though I'm beginning to get a little antsy. I have started to get excited for next semester, too. I spent some time with friends I have had since freshman year, and we are planning all sorts of things to enjoy our final semester - mostly in ways that will remind us of our first year at Messiah. We are planning to reprise our read-aloud of The Suitor, a book we discovered in the library book sale. J-term will also bring knitting circles and read-alouds of The Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants. And we just may repeat our finals week dictator bowling outing, too. Though I'm still a little hesitant to leave this place I have called home for the past four years, I am finding acceptance a little easier with these plans my friends and I have made.

Ethics class? Really?

2008-11-18T23:45:00.002-05:00

I was so surprised to realize that my most life-giving thing from this past week was my Environmental Ethics class yesterday. This class has probably been the greatest source of academic frustration this semester with all of the reading and writing we have to do. Not to mention the 71% I got on the first exam. But yesterday was a different story. We got our second exams back, and I did significantly better than last time. Actually, our entire class did much better. And he even said that some of the essays we turned in for this test were some of the best essays he has read during his entire time teaching at Messiah. What a turnaround! My ethics professor also told us yesterday that he is giving us an extension on our research papers. We've known about this paper since the first day of class, and our syllabus says that it is due this coming Friday. As of this past Friday, I hadn't chosen a topic. Slight panic, yet moderately manageable. The panic has subsided as this paper is now due the Monday AFTER Thanksgiving break. *huge sigh of relief*

I would have to say that the most life-taking thing from this past week has been coming to the realization that this year is completely different for me in terms of my role as a Resident Assistant on campus. Last year I hardly dealt with anything at all. This year has been a different story. Not only am I dealing with more issues, but the severity and depth of these issues is vastly greater. I would never have imagined that I would be facing these situations on my floor or on my campus. My eyes are continually opened to the interconnectedness of everyone in this community. With each new situation I encounter, I remember that our decisions impact the lives of those around us. And it makes me wonder, what can I do to help people make better decisions?

A Little Reflection

2008-11-02T23:30:00.005-05:00

It's been a while since I've posted, mostly because I barely have the time to do what needs to be done for the next day. But here I've found a spare moment. And I've been able to notice different things over the past couple weeks about what has been giving me life and taking it away.

One thing that definitely drained me a few weeks ago was dealing with another person's poor choices and bad decisions. Often we think that we are the only ones who deal with the consequences of our actions, but that is not so. I got sucked in. My heart was burdened. I don't even know this person's name, but I carried the weight of the poor choices and the gravity of the situation with me. But often, what takes life away leads to something that gives me life. Though I felt burdened, others spoke words of affirmation into my life, reminding me that my choice to get involved, to get sucked into the drama of the situation, had tremendous positive effects. Just as others may deal with the negative consequences of our actions, others may be tremendously impacted in a positive way because of seemingly inconsequential choices.

Lately, I feel like school has been taking life away from me. Becoming overwhelmed, not knowing if everything will be finished, the feeling that I'm running out of time - it frustrates and discourages me. I've reached a point where I'm ready to graduate. But it's not even in a positive sense, that I feel prepared to go out into the world and discover something new. It's more the feeling of I don't want to do this anymore. The homework, the tests - I'm ready for it to be over. This semester has been so crazy with non-stop work. As I prepare to register for my final semester of classes, I begin to think that maybe I'm not ready to graduate - I'm just ready for something new. I'm ready for this semester to be over. But still, I'm stuck in this place where I'm just trying to survive. There's no desire to thrive in my classes and learn something new. I'm just trying to get by. So pray that as the semester comes to a close, I would find the motivation to finish strong and to have a positive attitude about school.

I think what has become life-giving about this life-taking situation has been the opportunities to spend time with friends and share my frustration. Recently I was able to have dinner with a friend who has been somewhat absent for much of the semester. It was great to catch up with him and hear how things are going in his life, to hear his own concerns and try to speak words of encouragement into his life. And this past weekend, I went on a retreat with my staff. We spent the time with each other, not only having fun and getting to know each other a bit better, but also sharing the concerns on our hearts and seeking prayer for the things that burden us each day. It was comforting to experience the trust and support that we have in one another. It was really encouraging to know that we have many months ahead of us to become even closer than we already have become.

A Weekend of Balance

2008-10-07T23:05:00.005-04:00

This weekend was by far the most life-giving event of the past week, and it was infinitely better than last weekend. Somehow I was able to get a lot accomplished and found myself being very productive. I wrote a paper for art history, finished my journal for Environmental Ethics, prepared my presentation for ethics, and finished my art project - all before Monday morning. This is such an accomplishment, because the last time I wrote a paper for art history, I had to get up early the day it was due so I could research AND write the paper in the library before turning it in at 10 am. Anyway, I feel like I got a lot accomplished this weekend, which is a relief considering I had been so concerned about finishing everything. Despite all of the homework, I also found time to relax and hang out with friends. It's been a long time since I've done that. Friday night the SRAs went to the Beachy's for dinner, which was so enjoyable. It was great to sit back with friends and enjoy a home-cooked meal. As much as I love Messiah, sometimes it's great to just get off campus for a while. When we returned to campus, we hung out in one of the RDs' apartments watching movies, telling stories, and laughing with friends. It was the first time in a while that I was up past midnight for reasons other than homework. I've missed that feeling. Of course Saturday night was pretty amazing, too, because of the Art*Music*Justice Tour concert. Sunday night was spent finishing up some homework before getting some ice cream. I had the intentions of wandering around South Complex visiting people, but I got stuck at Ashley's apartment. Ashley, the RD of Mountain View, was hanging out with her staff, and I joined them for a game of Scattegories. After most of her RAs left, I ended up sticking around and talking with her for a bit about this year. It was a great conversation, as conversations with the South Side RDs usually are. Side note: I'm so glad Ashley is back at Messiah. She is a great addition to Residence Life, and sometimes it's kinda weird to think we were both at Messiah as students for one year. Anyway, overall I had a very life-giving weekend :)

As life-giving as the concert was, I would have to say that the most life-taking thing was the feeling of conviction that I left the concert with. I hear of all these problems, of all the injustice, and I just think: what am I doing with my life? Why am I not doing anything to fight this injustice? I remember Dr. Seibert's sermon: how can I call myself a Christian if I see the needs but do nothing to help?

A Weekend of Justice

2008-10-06T11:49:00.005-04:00

Here are some notes from Dr. Eric Seibert's sermon, "An Invitation to Do Justice", given at the Grantham Church this past Sunday. He preached on Luke 16:19-31, the story of the rich ruler and Lazarus.

The Bible is insistent that people of faith are called to do justice.

We have a biblical mandate to care for the poor and needy.

There will always be poor people in the land. Therefore I command you to be openhanded toward your brothers and toward the poor and needy in your land.
- Deuteronomy 15:11

A generous man will himself be blessed,
for he shares his food with the poor.
- Proverbs 22:9

If a man shuts his ears to the cry of the poor,
he too will cry out and not be answered.
- Proverbs 21:13

Sodom was destroyed, not for their sexual immorality, but for ignoring the needs of the poor.

Now this was the sin of your sister Sodom: She and her daughters were arrogant, overfed and unconcerned; they did not help the poor and needy.
- Ezekiel 16:49

How can you call yourself a Christian if you see the needs but do nothing to help?

We have committed a sin of indifference.

To half of the world's population, I AM the rich man.

Being in the Image of God

2008-10-04T23:46:00.014-04:00

For some reason, I have been hearing a LOT this semester about being created in the image of God. In my art seminar class, we discussed the difference between art and image, and what was more important in the Bible. We are the only ones of God's creatures to be created in His image, but what does that mean? For some, it means that we also have the capacity to create. Or the capacity to be in relationship with God. Or the capacity for morality. Or the capacity to choose. Or the responsibility to God's creation as stewards.

The last one was the focus for several days in my Environmental Ethics class. What does it mean to be created in the image of God? In ancient civilizations, images were the representations of the gods. We are the representation of God on earth. As God's image bearer's we are given the responsibility to care for creation. We are commanded to cultivate and keep, which can be translated as "serve and protect". We have a responsibility to care for creation. But something we also learned in Environmental Ethics is that creation does not mean just the land. Rather, creation is all that God created, including humanity. We are not separate from the earth around us, but rather we are part of it and made of the same material.

We have a responsibility to care for creation. And as we are part of creation, we also have the responsibility to care for humanity. This idea became so clear tonight at the Art*Music*Justice tour concert, where Charlie Peacock spoke briefly on Genesis 1 and being created in the image of God. AMJT featured the artists Sara Groves, Brandon Heath, Derek Webb, and Sandra McCracken in addition to Charlie Peacock. AMJT was in association with International Justice Mission and Food for the Hungry. Tonight was all about justice and everything we can do to care for humanity. IJM works around the world to save families from slavery, to free little children from trafficking and sexual exploitation. Tonight we heard the stories of little girls who are rescued from brothels and the fears they continue to live with. But we also heard of the tremendous hope we have for the future because of all that we can do in the name of God.

As bearers of God's image, we were given the responsibility to cultivate and keep creation. Tonight, I was reminded that we were given the responsibility to serve and protect humanity, our brothers and sisters who were also created in the image of God.

He gives justice to the oppressed and food to the hungry.
The Lord frees the prisoners.
- Psalm 146:7, NLT

Finding the Good in the Bad

2008-10-01T23:28:00.003-04:00

This past weekend was absolutely the most life-taking experience from this past week. It wasn't life-taking in the sense that I felt discouraged or particularly heavy-hearted. But in the literal sense, that afterward, I felt life draining from me. I was on duty on both Friday and Saturday nights, which meant that I had to stay in my room. I invited the girls on my floor and my staff to join me for a movie, but everyone was busy doing things for Family Weekend. So I sat. And did homework. In my room. By myself. From 7 pm to midnight, Friday AND Saturday. By 9pm on Saturday, I began to realize just how much of an extrovert I am. As someone who gets energy from being with other people, I was left without anyone to give me energy. By 9:30 on Saturday, I began wishing that it were midnight already. I was physically tired and wanting to sleep, but I was also tired of waiting to see if someone would come to visit me. What a relief when the clock struck 12.

This life-taking experience allowed me to have my most life-giving experience, though. I spoke with one of my art professors one afternoon about my weekend, mentioning how my extrovertedness became quite evident. He seemed surprised that I was an extrovert, not for the same reason my communications professor was surprised, but because he has the tendency to think of artists as introverts. There's a stereotypical image of the lonesome artist, brooding in some corner and working happily in solitude. But as is the case with stereotypes, it doesn't apply to all people. My professor mentioned a book called "Born Under Saturn", in which the author explores the concept of the "artist personality", but in the end concludes that there is no single personality shared by all artists. It was through this conversation with my professor that I started to wonder, perhaps I should also explore this concept for my senior show... I have thought for a few weeks that I wanted to explore the stereotype that artists are bad at math and somehow prove through my art that I am not. But now I realize there are so many more stereotypes about artists that are constantly broken, especially by the artists at Messiah. I have so many ideas running through my mind and for the first time this year, I feel like I have a sense of direction for senior show. I'm still trying to come up with more ideas and create an image in my mind of what I want this to look like, but I have quite some time for things to make sense. What stereotypes about artists can you think of?

Spiritual Discipline

2008-09-22T20:17:00.005-04:00

Examen is an approach to grow in self-understanding and in openness to Gods love and God's self-direction for your life. Specifically, Examen helps us get in touch with our feelings and reactions to daily experience and identify what gives us joy and what brings us sorrow. Experiences that seem small and insignificant at the time take on greater meaning when we recognize they are part of a larger pattern.
History
St. Ignatius of Loyola was born in 1491 in northern Spain. He was the youngest of 13 children. As a young man, he served as a Page of the Treasurer of the castle, and loved wine, women and song! He was reported to be addicted to gambling and was described as contentious.
At the age of 30, Ignatius was wounded in battle defending Spain against France. During his long recuperation, he read about the life of Christ. He was drawn to Him and the profound effect Christ had on His followers. At the same time he was drawn to a noble lady he loved, and to fame and glory. As he reflected, he found that his daydreams of the woman resulted in feelings of restlessness while his reflections on Christ brought peace. This marked the beginning of his conversion. It also marked the beginning of his profound teaching on developing spiritual discernment through the examination of emotions, feelings and thoughts. Ignatius taught that the work of the spirit is revealed not just through the intellect. God is found in everything including our emotions and feelings.
- The Daily Examen

Examen is a spiritual discipline that my staff is practicing this year. When we get together each Tuesday, we reflect on the past week and ask two questions. 1 - What was the most life-giving thing? 2 - What was the most life-taking thing? And by practicing Examen, we begin to notice trends of what gives us life and what takes it away. We begin to notice where we see God. So since this blog is about where I see God in my life, I'm going to start sharing my weekly Examen reflections. Feel free to help me see God through my reflections, or share where you are seeing God in your own lives.

This past week, talking with people who showed genuine care for and interest in me was the most life-giving. I felt supported and validated in knowing that they were listening to me with true concern. I received words of encouragement that blessed me with positivity and the motivation to keep going.

The most life-taking thing has been the feeling of discouragement about relationships and communication. It always feels great to be accepted into a group that you didn't expect to be accepted by. But I have been feeling discouraged when I have to work so hard to feel like a true part of a group I expected to naturally click with. And I'm not really sure how to address these concerns in order to bring about change in this situation.

In a smile

2008-08-11T21:16:00.008-04:00

I love taking candid portraits, especially of my friends. When I catch them in a genuine smile, it makes me feel like everything is okay. And there are times when a photograph - when seeing that smile - is an absolute answer to prayer, an assurance that God is taking care of the people I love.

In the unbelievable

2008-07-28T15:20:00.001-04:00

Had someone asked me last August what this year would hold, I wouldn't even know where to begin. I would have been unable to imagine even a single detail. Broad generalities and expectations? Perhaps. I would have expected a year of classes, inevitable challenges, some changes, meeting new people, and working in Res Life. Yet whenever I talk about this past year, I find myself repeating the same phrase: "It's unbelievable..."
... how much we have accomplished and overcome.
... that we have become so close in such a short time.
... all that we have experienced.
... how much we have grown and learned.

The list could go on and on. And it is in all the "unbelievable" aspects of life that I have seen God's faithfulness. God always has something in mind, and this year His ideas for my life were beyond my imagination. In spite of my expectations, He was at work around me, bringing about experiences I never saw coming. At times I was surprised, and other times I felt blindsided - yet I felt God must have been with me, helping me cope with everything He was sending my way. Or at least I hoped so.

During this past school year I...
... changed my major after two years.
... studied. A lot. And sometimes enjoyed it.
... did more reading than ever before.
... discovered the power in skimming.
... stayed up until 2 am talking with friends about life.
... took a nap at 2 am, then went back to homework.
... grew dependent on naps to get through the day.
... attempted to help friends with their issues.
... fought my own feelings of inadequacy and failure.
... made new friends (who I now trust whole-heartedly).
... rekindled old friendships.
... saw friendships start to slip.
... dealt with my mom's leukemia diagnosis.
... felt the power of my friends' compassion.
... saw the power of prayer and healing.
... built up hopes.
... wondered why I hoped for so much.
... questioned the decisions of other students.
... questioned myself.

... tried to trust that God has everything under control. And was reminded that He does. God's mysterious ways make life unbelievable, because His ideas are not only beyond my imagination, but so much better.

In my friends

2008-07-23T22:39:00.002-04:00

This past year, I have really found God working through the people in my life. My friends usually brought the answers to my prayers, whether through a simple gesture or a kind word of encouragement. Lately I have found myself reflecting on my friendships and how wonderfully fortunate I am to have these people in my life. Though I may try, I feel like I can never thank them enough for all they have done or truly express all that they mean to me. I find the quality of these friendships to be astonishing.

No matter how many times I sang the song in Girl Scouts (the one year I was in it...), "make new friends, but keep the old" never quite stuck with me. Until now, I think I've been Breakfast Club-ing through life, not really keeping any social connections (if you don't understand the reference, watch the movie and excuse the language). I migrated from clique to clique as each year passed. Second grade, it was the blondes - yeah, I know... Fourth grade, the four-square boys from recess. Fifth grade, the tomboys. Seventh grade, the anime fans who turned me into the character "Sasha" in their fan fiction novel. From then on, my friend group depended on who was taking the same classes that year. The only friends that stuck with me from year to year were those from church or the ones from Bible study before school.

But this? This feels different. Maybe I'm just tired of clique-hopping, and I'm just working harder at making relationships last. Or maybe the friends I have now are the kind of people who make you want to work harder, because the last thing you'd ever want is to lose their friendship. I don't know. But I like this feeling. To think that I may someday be someone's bridesmaid or the godmother of their child... The possibility of turning to some kid at the dinner table and saying, "Did you know that when your dad and I went to college together..." [insert humorous bit of nostalgia here]. I never expected that sort of thing to happen until now - until I formed these friendships that appear will actually last past graduation.

Right now I'm reading a lot about relationship as the root of God's nature in Donald Miller's Searching For God Knows What. Since the Fall, God just so strongly desires for us to be one with Him again, for us to be one with each other. For us all to be in relationship again - all because of Love. Miller writes:

The essence of Christ's ministry was to display the worth of humanity, all stemming from God's love for them. Even today, as Christ works to minister to hurting people through His servants, the message is the same (p 131).

Though I may seek to be a servant through whatever I do, I often find myself being served in the way Miller writes about. My friends and others in my life remind me of my worth, showing God's love to me. Miller continues later in his book, "I have sometimes wondered if the greatest desire of man is to be known and loved anyway" (p 133). And that's what Christ, in all his unconditional love and glory, was all about: loving us despite our failures, our insecurities, everything that the world says makes us unworthy. Jesus "goes nearly immediately to our greatest fears, our most injured spaces, and speaks into those spaces with authority" (p 133).

It is this same nature that I witness in the hearts of my friends. They know me and love me anyway. So perhaps, I'm not just tired of clique-hopping. Maybe I just don't want to lose the light of God I see inside them.

In loneliness

2008-07-16T08:08:00.005-04:00

I am especially able to find God when I feel alone, because I cling to Him as if He were my only friend in the entire universe.

But I also find God in the hearts of dear friends who remind me that I'm not alone.

In "The Shack"

2008-07-14T22:25:00.007-04:00

I first heard about William P. Young's book The Shack from a dear friend and quickly became eager to read it. To my surprise, I discovered the book at home while visiting my family for the weekend. My dad got it as a gift from my sister, and when he was finished, she took it back. And I took it from her. A gift that keeps on giving, I suppose. I started reading it last night, and finished just a few minutes ago. I'm not much of a reader, but this book captured my imagination and my desire to understand God. I want to leave you with a few quotes that left an impression on me, but I will try not to reveal too much, so that you are able to enjoy and experience The Shack fully for yourself.

Life takes a bit of time and a lot of relationship.

You, on the other hand, were created to be loved. So for you to live as if you were unloved is a limitation, not the other way around.

Such a powerful ability, the imagination! [...] But without wisdom, imagination is a cruel taskmaster.

In the lyrics of a 43-year-old white man from D.C.

2008-07-14T00:03:00.000-04:00

I've been discovering lately how certain songs just seem to fit. It's as if the singer gave a voice to the thoughts inside my head, provided a melody for the feelings that were too difficult to understand, let alone describe. Though we may have completely different backgrounds, the songwriter sometimes has this unbelievable ability to speak right to me, make me feel and think.

As I drove back to campus today, I listened to TobyMac for almost two hours. The lyrics are still a bit unfamiliar since I haven't listened to the cd that much since buying it. But a few of his lyrics just stuck with me as I made my way along the turnpike.

Cause I'm letting go of everything I am
And I'm holding on to everything You are
I'm letting go of everything I once was
- from All In (Letting Go)

As I listened to this song, I thought about this idea of letting go, of surrendering to God. And I thought it was interesting that TobyMac talks about letting go of who he is and who he was. But what about who he will be? That's the hardest thing for me to surrender. The Future. Each day is consumed with thoughts of tomorrow and the next day, the next week, the next ten years. I am wary of talking about my "plans" for the future, though. I like to think that God has a great sense of humor, and he probably laughs the hardest when we talk of our plans. Who are we to map out our future?

Yet I am not held back from having hopes and dreams. I imagine the healthy and happy marriage to an amazing husband/best friend, the dream job, etc. And sometimes, I say to God, "Alright, I know this may not be what You have in store. So have Your way in my life. I know that what You have planned for me is so much greater than I could ever imagine." But then other times, I pray, "God, I really hope Your will looks a lot like my hopes and dreams. Because right now, this looks pretty great to me. So if You could move right along so I can see what You have planned, that would be great." For me, the future is so much harder to surrender than the past. It seems like there is so much more at stake. It requires me to abandon this false sense of control over my life, to admit that I'm not calling the shots, to go along for the ride and see what happens. It requires a leap of faith into the arms of my Father. And while it may feel like I am free falling, even plummeting at times, knowing that God is there to catch me makes it worth it all.

As the heavens are higher than the earth,
so are my ways higher than your ways
and my thoughts than your thoughts.
- Isaiah 55:9