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I was so surprised to realize that my most life-giving thing from this past week was my Environmental Ethics class yesterday. This class has probably been the greatest source of academic frustration this semester with all of the reading and writing we have to do. Not to mention the 71% I got on the first exam. But yesterday was a different story. We got our second exams back, and I did significantly better than last time. Actually, our entire class did much better. And he even said that some of the essays we turned in for this test were some of the best essays he has read during his entire time teaching at Messiah. What a turnaround! My ethics professor also told us yesterday that he is giving us an extension on our research papers. We've known about this paper since the first day of class, and our syllabus says that it is due this coming Friday. As of this past Friday, I hadn't chosen a topic. Slight panic, yet moderately manageable. The panic has subsided as this paper is now due the Monday AFTER Thanksgiving break. *huge sigh of relief*
I would have to say that the most life-taking thing from this past week has been coming to the realization that this year is completely different for me in terms of my role as a Resident Assistant on campus. Last year I hardly dealt with anything at all. This year has been a different story. Not only am I dealing with more issues, but the severity and depth of these issues is vastly greater. I would never have imagined that I would be facing these situations on my floor or on my campus. My eyes are continually opened to the interconnectedness of everyone in this community. With each new situation I encounter, I remember that our decisions impact the lives of those around us. And it makes me wonder, what can I do to help people make better decisions?
It's been a while since I've posted, mostly because I barely have the time to do what needs to be done for the next day. But here I've found a spare moment. And I've been able to notice different things over the past couple weeks about what has been giving me life and taking it away.
One thing that definitely drained me a few weeks ago was dealing with another person's poor choices and bad decisions. Often we think that we are the only ones who deal with the consequences of our actions, but that is not so. I got sucked in. My heart was burdened. I don't even know this person's name, but I carried the weight of the poor choices and the gravity of the situation with me. But often, what takes life away leads to something that gives me life. Though I felt burdened, others spoke words of affirmation into my life, reminding me that my choice to get involved, to get sucked into the drama of the situation, had tremendous positive effects. Just as others may deal with the negative consequences of our actions, others may be tremendously impacted in a positive way because of seemingly inconsequential choices.
Lately, I feel like school has been taking life away from me. Becoming overwhelmed, not knowing if everything will be finished, the feeling that I'm running out of time - it frustrates and discourages me. I've reached a point where I'm ready to graduate. But it's not even in a positive sense, that I feel prepared to go out into the world and discover something new. It's more the feeling of I don't want to do this anymore. The homework, the tests - I'm ready for it to be over. This semester has been so crazy with non-stop work. As I prepare to register for my final semester of classes, I begin to think that maybe I'm not ready to graduate - I'm just ready for something new. I'm ready for this semester to be over. But still, I'm stuck in this place where I'm just trying to survive. There's no desire to thrive in my classes and learn something new. I'm just trying to get by. So pray that as the semester comes to a close, I would find the motivation to finish strong and to have a positive attitude about school.
I think what has become life-giving about this life-taking situation has been the opportunities to spend time with friends and share my frustration. Recently I was able to have dinner with a friend who has been somewhat absent for much of the semester. It was great to catch up with him and hear how things are going in his life, to hear his own concerns and try to speak words of encouragement into his life. And this past weekend, I went on a retreat with my staff. We spent the time with each other, not only having fun and getting to know each other a bit better, but also sharing the concerns on our hearts and seeking prayer for the things that burden us each day. It was comforting to experience the trust and support that we have in one another. It was really encouraging to know that we have many months ahead of us to become even closer than we already have become.
