bringing 2008 to a close...

In retrospect, 2008 has been a pretty good year despite its ups and downs.

January brought the start to a new semester after spending Christmas with my entire immediate family. It was the first time I had seen my nephew since my high school graduation. J-term was enjoyable, as I was able to take a class with many of my friends. Despite a sprained ankle the first week, an unfortunate encounter between my finger and a steel rod the second week, and bronchitis the final week, January was still fun.

The highlight of February was going on a retreat with Bittner/Mellinger staff to the Bob White Hunting Cabin. It was a great time to get away from campus and homework. We spent a lot of quality time together, getting to know each other even better, watching Surf's Up, and sharing lots of laughs. We also had the opportunity to reflect on the previous semester and the year ahead as most of us were preparing to re-apply for another year in residence life. The semester was off to a difficult start, academically, so the retreat came as a welcome distraction.

Spring Break in March meant a road trip to St. Augustine, FL, where I camped on the beach with friends. I also got to celebrate Easter with aunts, uncles, and cousins, and my immediate family while in Florida. It was another chance to see my nephew, and I found it exciting that he remembered me from Christmas. March was also defined by dramatic ups and downs. My sister received word that she had raised 100% of her financial support, which would allow her to leave for the Philippines as a missionary for Wycliffe Bible Translators. This was great news, and news we had been waiting for. We were excited that she would finally be able to head for the Philippines. Plans changed, though, when word came the very next day of my mom's leukemia diagnosis. It was obviously difficult news to hear, but I am absolutely thankful for my friends at Messiah who supported and comforted me in the following weeks.

April was an overall great month. Some of my friends in residence life and I participated in Relay for Life, a 12-hour walk that raises money for cancer research. It was an encouraging event that let me see my friends' continued support for my family and their commitment to prayer.

May brought the end of the semester and the end of the school year. It was an end different than most, because I was not moving out but staying on campus for the summer. The beginning days of work were very boring, but I was really glad to have friends on campus who made everything much more enjoyable. June and July were mostly the same as May. The end of May and half of June was spent in Philly for my cross-cultural. I was able to take in many activities in the city and serve in a community garden almost every day. The conversations I had with the neighborhood youth were really interesting and eye-opening, as I got to hear about their parents' struggles as refugees from the Vietnam War. The required class, or rather the instructor, was frustrating. An uncomfortable experience toward the end of the course left me frustrated and a bit angry, but opened me up to addressing issues of race and identity throughout the fall semester.

August brought the long-awaited week of Residence Life training, meeting old and new staff members, bonding with and facing the uncertainty of an all-female staff, etc. A great time of excitement, the unknown, laughter, and learning. All the fear and anxiety of that time has since gone away, as my staff has proven time and time again that there is nothing to fear.

September was the beginning of a new school year: time to face senior courses and other classes I wasn't particularly looking forward to. This past semester was difficult for many people in many ways, but many people also agree that the difficulties taught us a lot. For me, the difficulty of the fall has allowed me to look forward to the spring semester and the end of college. At the beginning of the year, I was very reluctant for the end of the year and for graduation, but now I think I'm more accepting and maybe even excited for graduation.

October and November continued to bring difficulty with classes and life in general. I was able to take some time away with my new staff for a retreat in late October. Together we relaxed, laughed, reflected, and prayed. Thanksgiving was spent with the immediate family in Florida. Though the traveling was exhausting and we only spent two whole days there, the time together was great.

December brought a welcome end to the semester, and holiday time with family. I was very thankful for time without homework filled with movies and meeting up with friends - an occurrence I haven't seen in a long time.

I'm really looking forward to 2009. The courses ahead of me this semester will be a lot of fun, and even more fun are the people taking the classes with me. Of course, there's also graduation and whatever is in store afterward. 2009 will bring a lot of change and many new experiences. Though it's certainly unnerving not knowing what lies ahead, it will surely be an exciting time. I'm planning on capturing all the milestones (and the little events too) through photos by jumping on the photo-a-day bandwagon for 2009. There's a new camera in the mail (expected to arrive on Friday!) that will make this endeavor a bit easier and make me that much more eager to follow through with this intention.

I hope 2008 has treated you well, or at least has taught you many things. Happy 2009!

People make me laugh...

Like last night, for instance.

I was volunteering with my family at my home church. Every year, our church does a living nativity with live animals and everything. Camels, goats, sheep, and Jack the Donkey. This year, instead of braving the elements, our family decided to bring refreshments to feed the actors and keep them warm. Among the treats was some homemade chicken noodle soup. Some Swanson broth and fettuccine pasta. Delicious. People kept coming in and out of the kitchen to grab a bowl of it. I admit, I even had a cup of the stuff, though I was comfortably warm the entire night.

Enter "Michelle".

She seemed a little chilly. She deserved some soup. She, too, thought it tasted really good. And she told us so.

"This Chinese chicken noodle soup is really good."

Excuse me, what? Swanson broth and Barilla pasta... is Chinese? My two parents, my sister, and I just let it slide.
"You guys usually don't put noodles in it," she continued. Actually, my family always puts noodles in chicken noodle soup. Perhaps she was thinking of won-ton soup? That's Chinese. But my family isn't.

Then she said, "You guys don't celebrate Christmas. What do you celebrate?" Her brother-in-law, who goes to church with us, interjected, "Yes they do," with a roll of his eyes.

"Chinese New Year?" Michelle asked. Silence. "Are you Chinese?" Silence.

I waited for my parents to respond. They finally said, "No."

"What are you? Korean?"

Filipino. What? We're Filipino. What? We're from the Philippines. What? Filipino.

"Oh, Filipino. I grew up with a Filipina. Yeah, her family was from the Filipino. Her name was... Lisa. They had 7 kids." Thank goodness she didn't ask us if we knew her. Because contrary to popular belief, we don't know every other Asian person in the entire world. "Now that I look at you, I can see you're not Chinese. You look Filipino. You have flatter faces. And you're prettier. Your faces are... different." Thanks?

One of Michelle's relatives entered the kitchen. "Try some of this Filipino chicken noodle soup," Michelle said. "It's really good."
"Actually it's American," my mom tried to say. Swanson broth and Barilla pasta. About as un-Asian as you can get.

I really wish I could get inside her head. Did she think we were Chinese caterers to provide refreshments for the church volunteers? Really, how often do you ask someone from outside the church to volunteer? Unless she thought we were getting paid? I guess I will never really know.

We weren't offended by the whole experience. She didn't mean any harm, and we're used to this sort of thing (unfortunately). It's just a shame that there are plenty of other Michelles out there who just don't know any better.

But thanks for the laughs, Michelle. I really enjoyed your white people chocolate chip cookies.

I really should keep up with this...

It's a lot harder to update when you don't remember what to write. Now I have to catch up on the past few weeks if I can remember what was significant.

Thanksgiving Week - obviously seeing family was very life giving. The travel was definitely exhausting (driving from Pennsylvania to Florida, and back), but having the whole family together was great. It was especially great seeing my 4-year-old nephew who says the cutest things these days. We took him to the park, which he insists is everyone's, and tried to get him to ride down the tunnel slide. He said he was scared because it was dark, then sighed, "I wish I had my light-up shoes." The most life-taking aspect of break, other than all the work that waited for me when I got back, was hearing of the death of my friend's dad late Tuesday night/early Wednesday morning. It was difficult not knowing what to do or how to respond and feeling like I wasn't close enough of a friend to be able to comfort her. Continue to pray for that family as this transition is a very difficult one.

The next couple weeks were particularly difficult because of all the work. Some of the biggest projects and papers were due at this time, all at once. And though I have known about these assignments all semester long, I found a way to postpone starting them until the week/weekend before they were due. But I was able to finish everything on time, and I think that feeling of relief was probably the most life-giving aspect. Connecting with friends was another significant part of last week. One friendship in particular has been on the decline, in my opinion, which was terribly frustrating since it is one of the most important friendships to me. After several postponements, I was finally able to meet with that friend to discuss the state of our friendship. I'm feeling hopeful for improvements, though I also feel like it's a wait-and-see kind of situation. I also got to have dinner with another good friend who I just haven't seen as often, but still feel particularly close to. It was wonderful catching up and talking about what lies ahead - including a class together next semester!

This past weekend was interesting, but in a good way, I think. Friday was the last day of classes - the end of a VERY long semester for almost everyone. I normally don't have my advanced graphics class on Fridays, but our deadline was pushed back and we had our crit at our professor's house. Pretty much a semester's worth of work building up to this one crit - presenting our final projects and our portfolio. All semester long, I have been waiting for Dave (my prof) to call my work "killer", which is basically the ultimate compliment. After going through my portfolio, Dave said there was only one thing that needed to be changed - my name label - and once that was fixed, it would be killer. Big smiles. It was a lot of fun, too, to sit around and socialize after the crit. We have begun referring to ourselves as "The Family," which is what it feels like now. I wouldn't have imagined feeling this connection with the other graphics students before, but I really appreciate the camaraderie we have. After the crit, I went to Christmas Tradition, which is the winter formal at the Hershey Lodge. Though changing clothes in the bathroom and waiting by myself was a bit awkward, the night was a lot of fun. Having fun and enjoying the company of friends is so much more enjoyable than tracking down dangerously intoxicated students.

Saturday was such a long, but good, day. After 10 hours in the textiles studio, I went to a Christmas party with some friends. Good times and good food had by all. And I got to talk with another party guest, who works for Messiah College, and set up a job for J-term/Spring semester doing some work for the Agape Center website. After we got back to campus, I went back to the textiles studio and worked until 2:30 am finishing my quilt - which isn't due until tomorrow. I think I have officially crossed over into crazy art major territory.

This week is finals week, though it is surprisingly easy. I only have one exam this semester, which was this morning. I'm fairly confident I did not get an A, but I'm okay with that. I'm really enjoying this free time, though I'm beginning to get a little antsy. I have started to get excited for next semester, too. I spent some time with friends I have had since freshman year, and we are planning all sorts of things to enjoy our final semester - mostly in ways that will remind us of our first year at Messiah. We are planning to reprise our read-aloud of The Suitor, a book we discovered in the library book sale. J-term will also bring knitting circles and read-alouds of The Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants. And we just may repeat our finals week dictator bowling outing, too. Though I'm still a little hesitant to leave this place I have called home for the past four years, I am finding acceptance a little easier with these plans my friends and I have made.

Ethics class? Really?

I was so surprised to realize that my most life-giving thing from this past week was my Environmental Ethics class yesterday. This class has probably been the greatest source of academic frustration this semester with all of the reading and writing we have to do. Not to mention the 71% I got on the first exam. But yesterday was a different story. We got our second exams back, and I did significantly better than last time. Actually, our entire class did much better. And he even said that some of the essays we turned in for this test were some of the best essays he has read during his entire time teaching at Messiah. What a turnaround! My ethics professor also told us yesterday that he is giving us an extension on our research papers. We've known about this paper since the first day of class, and our syllabus says that it is due this coming Friday. As of this past Friday, I hadn't chosen a topic. Slight panic, yet moderately manageable. The panic has subsided as this paper is now due the Monday AFTER Thanksgiving break. *huge sigh of relief*

I would have to say that the most life-taking thing from this past week has been coming to the realization that this year is completely different for me in terms of my role as a Resident Assistant on campus. Last year I hardly dealt with anything at all. This year has been a different story. Not only am I dealing with more issues, but the severity and depth of these issues is vastly greater. I would never have imagined that I would be facing these situations on my floor or on my campus. My eyes are continually opened to the interconnectedness of everyone in this community. With each new situation I encounter, I remember that our decisions impact the lives of those around us. And it makes me wonder, what can I do to help people make better decisions?

A Little Reflection

It's been a while since I've posted, mostly because I barely have the time to do what needs to be done for the next day. But here I've found a spare moment. And I've been able to notice different things over the past couple weeks about what has been giving me life and taking it away.

One thing that definitely drained me a few weeks ago was dealing with another person's poor choices and bad decisions. Often we think that we are the only ones who deal with the consequences of our actions, but that is not so. I got sucked in. My heart was burdened. I don't even know this person's name, but I carried the weight of the poor choices and the gravity of the situation with me. But often, what takes life away leads to something that gives me life. Though I felt burdened, others spoke words of affirmation into my life, reminding me that my choice to get involved, to get sucked into the drama of the situation, had tremendous positive effects. Just as others may deal with the negative consequences of our actions, others may be tremendously impacted in a positive way because of seemingly inconsequential choices.

Lately, I feel like school has been taking life away from me. Becoming overwhelmed, not knowing if everything will be finished, the feeling that I'm running out of time - it frustrates and discourages me. I've reached a point where I'm ready to graduate. But it's not even in a positive sense, that I feel prepared to go out into the world and discover something new. It's more the feeling of I don't want to do this anymore. The homework, the tests - I'm ready for it to be over. This semester has been so crazy with non-stop work. As I prepare to register for my final semester of classes, I begin to think that maybe I'm not ready to graduate - I'm just ready for something new. I'm ready for this semester to be over. But still, I'm stuck in this place where I'm just trying to survive. There's no desire to thrive in my classes and learn something new. I'm just trying to get by. So pray that as the semester comes to a close, I would find the motivation to finish strong and to have a positive attitude about school.

I think what has become life-giving about this life-taking situation has been the opportunities to spend time with friends and share my frustration. Recently I was able to have dinner with a friend who has been somewhat absent for much of the semester. It was great to catch up with him and hear how things are going in his life, to hear his own concerns and try to speak words of encouragement into his life. And this past weekend, I went on a retreat with my staff. We spent the time with each other, not only having fun and getting to know each other a bit better, but also sharing the concerns on our hearts and seeking prayer for the things that burden us each day. It was comforting to experience the trust and support that we have in one another. It was really encouraging to know that we have many months ahead of us to become even closer than we already have become.

A Weekend of Balance

This weekend was by far the most life-giving event of the past week, and it was infinitely better than last weekend. Somehow I was able to get a lot accomplished and found myself being very productive. I wrote a paper for art history, finished my journal for Environmental Ethics, prepared my presentation for ethics, and finished my art project - all before Monday morning. This is such an accomplishment, because the last time I wrote a paper for art history, I had to get up early the day it was due so I could research AND write the paper in the library before turning it in at 10 am. Anyway, I feel like I got a lot accomplished this weekend, which is a relief considering I had been so concerned about finishing everything. Despite all of the homework, I also found time to relax and hang out with friends. It's been a long time since I've done that. Friday night the SRAs went to the Beachy's for dinner, which was so enjoyable. It was great to sit back with friends and enjoy a home-cooked meal. As much as I love Messiah, sometimes it's great to just get off campus for a while. When we returned to campus, we hung out in one of the RDs' apartments watching movies, telling stories, and laughing with friends. It was the first time in a while that I was up past midnight for reasons other than homework. I've missed that feeling. Of course Saturday night was pretty amazing, too, because of the Art*Music*Justice Tour concert. Sunday night was spent finishing up some homework before getting some ice cream. I had the intentions of wandering around South Complex visiting people, but I got stuck at Ashley's apartment. Ashley, the RD of Mountain View, was hanging out with her staff, and I joined them for a game of Scattegories. After most of her RAs left, I ended up sticking around and talking with her for a bit about this year. It was a great conversation, as conversations with the South Side RDs usually are. Side note: I'm so glad Ashley is back at Messiah. She is a great addition to Residence Life, and sometimes it's kinda weird to think we were both at Messiah as students for one year. Anyway, overall I had a very life-giving weekend :)

As life-giving as the concert was, I would have to say that the most life-taking thing was the feeling of conviction that I left the concert with. I hear of all these problems, of all the injustice, and I just think: what am I doing with my life? Why am I not doing anything to fight this injustice? I remember Dr. Seibert's sermon: how can I call myself a Christian if I see the needs but do nothing to help?

A Weekend of Justice

Here are some notes from Dr. Eric Seibert's sermon, "An Invitation to Do Justice", given at the Grantham Church this past Sunday. He preached on Luke 16:19-31, the story of the rich ruler and Lazarus.

The Bible is insistent that people of faith are called to do justice.

We have a biblical mandate to care for the poor and needy.

There will always be poor people in the land. Therefore I command you to be openhanded toward your brothers and toward the poor and needy in your land.
- Deuteronomy 15:11

A generous man will himself be blessed,
for he shares his food with the poor.
- Proverbs 22:9

If a man shuts his ears to the cry of the poor,
he too will cry out and not be answered.
- Proverbs 21:13

Sodom was destroyed, not for their sexual immorality, but for ignoring the needs of the poor.

Now this was the sin of your sister Sodom: She and her daughters were arrogant, overfed and unconcerned; they did not help the poor and needy.
- Ezekiel 16:49

How can you call yourself a Christian if you see the needs but do nothing to help?

We have committed a sin of indifference.

To half of the world's population, I AM the rich man.

Being in the Image of God

For some reason, I have been hearing a LOT this semester about being created in the image of God. In my art seminar class, we discussed the difference between art and image, and what was more important in the Bible. We are the only ones of God's creatures to be created in His image, but what does that mean? For some, it means that we also have the capacity to create. Or the capacity to be in relationship with God. Or the capacity for morality. Or the capacity to choose. Or the responsibility to God's creation as stewards.

The last one was the focus for several days in my Environmental Ethics class. What does it mean to be created in the image of God? In ancient civilizations, images were the representations of the gods. We are the representation of God on earth. As God's image bearer's we are given the responsibility to care for creation. We are commanded to cultivate and keep, which can be translated as "serve and protect". We have a responsibility to care for creation. But something we also learned in Environmental Ethics is that creation does not mean just the land. Rather, creation is all that God created, including humanity. We are not separate from the earth around us, but rather we are part of it and made of the same material.

We have a responsibility to care for creation. And as we are part of creation, we also have the responsibility to care for humanity. This idea became so clear tonight at the Art*Music*Justice tour concert, where Charlie Peacock spoke briefly on Genesis 1 and being created in the image of God. AMJT featured the artists Sara Groves, Brandon Heath, Derek Webb, and Sandra McCracken in addition to Charlie Peacock. AMJT was in association with International Justice Mission and Food for the Hungry. Tonight was all about justice and everything we can do to care for humanity. IJM works around the world to save families from slavery, to free little children from trafficking and sexual exploitation. Tonight we heard the stories of little girls who are rescued from brothels and the fears they continue to live with. But we also heard of the tremendous hope we have for the future because of all that we can do in the name of God.

As bearers of God's image, we were given the responsibility to cultivate and keep creation. Tonight, I was reminded that we were given the responsibility to serve and protect humanity, our brothers and sisters who were also created in the image of God.

He gives justice to the oppressed and food to the hungry.
The Lord frees the prisoners.
- Psalm 146:7, NLT

Finding the Good in the Bad

This past weekend was absolutely the most life-taking experience from this past week. It wasn't life-taking in the sense that I felt discouraged or particularly heavy-hearted. But in the literal sense, that afterward, I felt life draining from me. I was on duty on both Friday and Saturday nights, which meant that I had to stay in my room. I invited the girls on my floor and my staff to join me for a movie, but everyone was busy doing things for Family Weekend. So I sat. And did homework. In my room. By myself. From 7 pm to midnight, Friday AND Saturday. By 9pm on Saturday, I began to realize just how much of an extrovert I am. As someone who gets energy from being with other people, I was left without anyone to give me energy. By 9:30 on Saturday, I began wishing that it were midnight already. I was physically tired and wanting to sleep, but I was also tired of waiting to see if someone would come to visit me. What a relief when the clock struck 12.

This life-taking experience allowed me to have my most life-giving experience, though. I spoke with one of my art professors one afternoon about my weekend, mentioning how my extrovertedness became quite evident. He seemed surprised that I was an extrovert, not for the same reason my communications professor was surprised, but because he has the tendency to think of artists as introverts. There's a stereotypical image of the lonesome artist, brooding in some corner and working happily in solitude. But as is the case with stereotypes, it doesn't apply to all people. My professor mentioned a book called "Born Under Saturn", in which the author explores the concept of the "artist personality", but in the end concludes that there is no single personality shared by all artists. It was through this conversation with my professor that I started to wonder, perhaps I should also explore this concept for my senior show... I have thought for a few weeks that I wanted to explore the stereotype that artists are bad at math and somehow prove through my art that I am not. But now I realize there are so many more stereotypes about artists that are constantly broken, especially by the artists at Messiah. I have so many ideas running through my mind and for the first time this year, I feel like I have a sense of direction for senior show. I'm still trying to come up with more ideas and create an image in my mind of what I want this to look like, but I have quite some time for things to make sense. What stereotypes about artists can you think of?

Spiritual Discipline

Examen is an approach to grow in self-understanding and in openness to Gods love and God's self-direction for your life. Specifically, Examen helps us get in touch with our feelings and reactions to daily experience and identify what gives us joy and what brings us sorrow. Experiences that seem small and insignificant at the time take on greater meaning when we recognize they are part of a larger pattern.

History

St. Ignatius of Loyola was born in 1491 in northern Spain. He was the youngest of 13 children. As a young man, he served as a Page of the Treasurer of the castle, and loved wine, women and song! He was reported to be addicted to gambling and was described as contentious.

At the age of 30, Ignatius was wounded in battle defending Spain against France. During his long recuperation, he read about the life of Christ. He was drawn to Him and the profound effect Christ had on His followers. At the same time he was drawn to a noble lady he loved, and to fame and glory. As he reflected, he found that his daydreams of the woman resulted in feelings of restlessness while his reflections on Christ brought peace. This marked the beginning of his conversion. It also marked the beginning of his profound teaching on developing spiritual discernment through the examination of emotions, feelings and thoughts. Ignatius taught that the work of the spirit is revealed not just through the intellect. God is found in everything including our emotions and feelings.

- The Daily Examen

Examen is a spiritual discipline that my staff is practicing this year. When we get together each Tuesday, we reflect on the past week and ask two questions. 1 - What was the most life-giving thing? 2 - What was the most life-taking thing? And by practicing Examen, we begin to notice trends of what gives us life and what takes it away. We begin to notice where we see God. So since this blog is about where I see God in my life, I'm going to start sharing my weekly Examen reflections. Feel free to help me see God through my reflections, or share where you are seeing God in your own lives.

This past week, talking with people who showed genuine care for and interest in me was the most life-giving. I felt supported and validated in knowing that they were listening to me with true concern. I received words of encouragement that blessed me with positivity and the motivation to keep going.

The most life-taking thing has been the feeling of discouragement about relationships and communication. It always feels great to be accepted into a group that you didn't expect to be accepted by. But I have been feeling discouraged when I have to work so hard to feel like a true part of a group I expected to naturally click with. And I'm not really sure how to address these concerns in order to bring about change in this situation.

In a smile

I love taking candid portraits, especially of my friends. When I catch them in a genuine smile, it makes me feel like everything is okay. And there are times when a photograph - when seeing that smile - is an absolute answer to prayer, an assurance that God is taking care of the people I love.

In the unbelievable

Had someone asked me last August what this year would hold, I wouldn't even know where to begin. I would have been unable to imagine even a single detail. Broad generalities and expectations? Perhaps. I would have expected a year of classes, inevitable challenges, some changes, meeting new people, and working in Res Life. Yet whenever I talk about this past year, I find myself repeating the same phrase: "It's unbelievable..."
... how much we have accomplished and overcome.
... that we have become so close in such a short time.
... all that we have experienced.
... how much we have grown and learned.

The list could go on and on. And it is in all the "unbelievable" aspects of life that I have seen God's faithfulness. God always has something in mind, and this year His ideas for my life were beyond my imagination. In spite of my expectations, He was at work around me, bringing about experiences I never saw coming. At times I was surprised, and other times I felt blindsided - yet I felt God must have been with me, helping me cope with everything He was sending my way. Or at least I hoped so.

During this past school year I...
... changed my major after two years.
... studied. A lot. And sometimes enjoyed it.
... did more reading than ever before.
... discovered the power in skimming.
... stayed up until 2 am talking with friends about life.
... took a nap at 2 am, then went back to homework.
... grew dependent on naps to get through the day.
... attempted to help friends with their issues.
... fought my own feelings of inadequacy and failure.
... made new friends (who I now trust whole-heartedly).
... rekindled old friendships.
... saw friendships start to slip.
... dealt with my mom's leukemia diagnosis.
... felt the power of my friends' compassion.
... saw the power of prayer and healing.
... built up hopes.
... wondered why I hoped for so much.
... questioned the decisions of other students.
... questioned myself.

... tried to trust that God has everything under control. And was reminded that He does. God's mysterious ways make life unbelievable, because His ideas are not only beyond my imagination, but so much better.

In my friends

This past year, I have really found God working through the people in my life. My friends usually brought the answers to my prayers, whether through a simple gesture or a kind word of encouragement. Lately I have found myself reflecting on my friendships and how wonderfully fortunate I am to have these people in my life. Though I may try, I feel like I can never thank them enough for all they have done or truly express all that they mean to me. I find the quality of these friendships to be astonishing.

No matter how many times I sang the song in Girl Scouts (the one year I was in it...), "make new friends, but keep the old" never quite stuck with me. Until now, I think I've been Breakfast Club-ing through life, not really keeping any social connections (if you don't understand the reference, watch the movie and excuse the language). I migrated from clique to clique as each year passed. Second grade, it was the blondes - yeah, I know... Fourth grade, the four-square boys from recess. Fifth grade, the tomboys. Seventh grade, the anime fans who turned me into the character "Sasha" in their fan fiction novel. From then on, my friend group depended on who was taking the same classes that year. The only friends that stuck with me from year to year were those from church or the ones from Bible study before school.

But this? This feels different. Maybe I'm just tired of clique-hopping, and I'm just working harder at making relationships last. Or maybe the friends I have now are the kind of people who make you want to work harder, because the last thing you'd ever want is to lose their friendship. I don't know. But I like this feeling. To think that I may someday be someone's bridesmaid or the godmother of their child... The possibility of turning to some kid at the dinner table and saying, "Did you know that when your dad and I went to college together..." [insert humorous bit of nostalgia here]. I never expected that sort of thing to happen until now - until I formed these friendships that appear will actually last past graduation.

Right now I'm reading a lot about relationship as the root of God's nature in Donald Miller's Searching For God Knows What. Since the Fall, God just so strongly desires for us to be one with Him again, for us to be one with each other. For us all to be in relationship again - all because of Love. Miller writes:

The essence of Christ's ministry was to display the worth of humanity, all stemming from God's love for them. Even today, as Christ works to minister to hurting people through His servants, the message is the same (p 131).

Though I may seek to be a servant through whatever I do, I often find myself being served in the way Miller writes about. My friends and others in my life remind me of my worth, showing God's love to me. Miller continues later in his book, "I have sometimes wondered if the greatest desire of man is to be known and loved anyway" (p 133). And that's what Christ, in all his unconditional love and glory, was all about: loving us despite our failures, our insecurities, everything that the world says makes us unworthy. Jesus "goes nearly immediately to our greatest fears, our most injured spaces, and speaks into those spaces with authority" (p 133).

It is this same nature that I witness in the hearts of my friends. They know me and love me anyway. So perhaps, I'm not just tired of clique-hopping. Maybe I just don't want to lose the light of God I see inside them.

In loneliness

I am especially able to find God when I feel alone, because I cling to Him as if He were my only friend in the entire universe.

But I also find God in the hearts of dear friends who remind me that I'm not alone.

In "The Shack"

I first heard about William P. Young's book The Shack from a dear friend and quickly became eager to read it. To my surprise, I discovered the book at home while visiting my family for the weekend. My dad got it as a gift from my sister, and when he was finished, she took it back. And I took it from her. A gift that keeps on giving, I suppose. I started reading it last night, and finished just a few minutes ago. I'm not much of a reader, but this book captured my imagination and my desire to understand God. I want to leave you with a few quotes that left an impression on me, but I will try not to reveal too much, so that you are able to enjoy and experience The Shack fully for yourself.

Life takes a bit of time and a lot of relationship.

You, on the other hand, were created to be loved. So for you to live as if you were unloved is a limitation, not the other way around.

Such a powerful ability, the imagination! [...] But without wisdom, imagination is a cruel taskmaster.

In the lyrics of a 43-year-old white man from D.C.

I've been discovering lately how certain songs just seem to fit. It's as if the singer gave a voice to the thoughts inside my head, provided a melody for the feelings that were too difficult to understand, let alone describe. Though we may have completely different backgrounds, the songwriter sometimes has this unbelievable ability to speak right to me, make me feel and think.

As I drove back to campus today, I listened to TobyMac for almost two hours. The lyrics are still a bit unfamiliar since I haven't listened to the cd that much since buying it. But a few of his lyrics just stuck with me as I made my way along the turnpike.

Cause I'm letting go of everything I am
And I'm holding on to everything You are
I'm letting go of everything I once was
- from All In (Letting Go)

As I listened to this song, I thought about this idea of letting go, of surrendering to God. And I thought it was interesting that TobyMac talks about letting go of who he is and who he was. But what about who he will be? That's the hardest thing for me to surrender. The Future. Each day is consumed with thoughts of tomorrow and the next day, the next week, the next ten years. I am wary of talking about my "plans" for the future, though. I like to think that God has a great sense of humor, and he probably laughs the hardest when we talk of our plans. Who are we to map out our future?

Yet I am not held back from having hopes and dreams. I imagine the healthy and happy marriage to an amazing husband/best friend, the dream job, etc. And sometimes, I say to God, "Alright, I know this may not be what You have in store. So have Your way in my life. I know that what You have planned for me is so much greater than I could ever imagine." But then other times, I pray, "God, I really hope Your will looks a lot like my hopes and dreams. Because right now, this looks pretty great to me. So if You could move right along so I can see what You have planned, that would be great." For me, the future is so much harder to surrender than the past. It seems like there is so much more at stake. It requires me to abandon this false sense of control over my life, to admit that I'm not calling the shots, to go along for the ride and see what happens. It requires a leap of faith into the arms of my Father. And while it may feel like I am free falling, even plummeting at times, knowing that God is there to catch me makes it worth it all.

As the heavens are higher than the earth,
so are my ways higher than your ways
and my thoughts than your thoughts.
- Isaiah 55:9