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Had someone asked me last August what this year would hold, I wouldn't even know where to begin. I would have been unable to imagine even a single detail. Broad generalities and expectations? Perhaps. I would have expected a year of classes, inevitable challenges, some changes, meeting new people, and working in Res Life. Yet whenever I talk about this past year, I find myself repeating the same phrase: "It's unbelievable..."
... how much we have accomplished and overcome.
... that we have become so close in such a short time.
... all that we have experienced.
... how much we have grown and learned.
The list could go on and on. And it is in all the "unbelievable" aspects of life that I have seen God's faithfulness. God always has something in mind, and this year His ideas for my life were beyond my imagination. In spite of my expectations, He was at work around me, bringing about experiences I never saw coming. At times I was surprised, and other times I felt blindsided - yet I felt God must have been with me, helping me cope with everything He was sending my way. Or at least I hoped so.
During this past school year I...
... changed my major after two years.
... studied. A lot. And sometimes enjoyed it.
... did more reading than ever before.
... discovered the power in skimming.
... stayed up until 2 am talking with friends about life.
... took a nap at 2 am, then went back to homework.
... grew dependent on naps to get through the day.
... attempted to help friends with their issues.
... fought my own feelings of inadequacy and failure.
... made new friends (who I now trust whole-heartedly).
... rekindled old friendships.
... saw friendships start to slip.
... dealt with my mom's leukemia diagnosis.
... felt the power of my friends' compassion.
... saw the power of prayer and healing.
... built up hopes.
... wondered why I hoped for so much.
... questioned the decisions of other students.
... questioned myself.
... tried to trust that God has everything under control. And was reminded that He does. God's mysterious ways make life unbelievable, because His ideas are not only beyond my imagination, but so much better.
This past year, I have really found God working through the people in my life. My friends usually brought the answers to my prayers, whether through a simple gesture or a kind word of encouragement. Lately I have found myself reflecting on my friendships and how wonderfully fortunate I am to have these people in my life. Though I may try, I feel like I can never thank them enough for all they have done or truly express all that they mean to me. I find the quality of these friendships to be astonishing.
No matter how many times I sang the song in Girl Scouts (the one year I was in it...), "make new friends, but keep the old" never quite stuck with me. Until now, I think I've been Breakfast Club-ing through life, not really keeping any social connections (if you don't understand the reference, watch the movie and excuse the language). I migrated from clique to clique as each year passed. Second grade, it was the blondes - yeah, I know... Fourth grade, the four-square boys from recess. Fifth grade, the tomboys. Seventh grade, the anime fans who turned me into the character "Sasha" in their fan fiction novel. From then on, my friend group depended on who was taking the same classes that year. The only friends that stuck with me from year to year were those from church or the ones from Bible study before school.
But this? This feels different. Maybe I'm just tired of clique-hopping, and I'm just working harder at making relationships last. Or maybe the friends I have now are the kind of people who make you want to work harder, because the last thing you'd ever want is to lose their friendship. I don't know. But I like this feeling. To think that I may someday be someone's bridesmaid or the godmother of their child... The possibility of turning to some kid at the dinner table and saying, "Did you know that when your dad and I went to college together..." [insert humorous bit of nostalgia here]. I never expected that sort of thing to happen until now - until I formed these friendships that appear will actually last past graduation.
Right now I'm reading a lot about relationship as the root of God's nature in Donald Miller's Searching For God Knows What. Since the Fall, God just so strongly desires for us to be one with Him again, for us to be one with each other. For us all to be in relationship again - all because of Love. Miller writes:
The essence of Christ's ministry was to display the worth of humanity, all stemming from God's love for them. Even today, as Christ works to minister to hurting people through His servants, the message is the same (p 131).
Though I may seek to be a servant through whatever I do, I often find myself being served in the way Miller writes about. My friends and others in my life remind me of my worth, showing God's love to me. Miller continues later in his book, "I have sometimes wondered if the greatest desire of man is to be known and loved anyway" (p 133). And that's what Christ, in all his unconditional love and glory, was all about: loving us despite our failures, our insecurities, everything that the world says makes us unworthy. Jesus "goes nearly immediately to our greatest fears, our most injured spaces, and speaks into those spaces with authority" (p 133).
It is this same nature that I witness in the hearts of my friends. They know me and love me anyway. So perhaps, I'm not just tired of clique-hopping. Maybe I just don't want to lose the light of God I see inside them.
I am especially able to find God when I feel alone, because I cling to Him as if He were my only friend in the entire universe.
But I also find God in the hearts of dear friends who remind me that I'm not alone.
I first heard about William P. Young's book The Shack from a dear friend and quickly became eager to read it. To my surprise, I discovered the book at home while visiting my family for the weekend. My dad got it as a gift from my sister, and when he was finished, she took it back. And I took it from her. A gift that keeps on giving, I suppose. I started reading it last night, and finished just a few minutes ago. I'm not much of a reader, but this book captured my imagination and my desire to understand God. I want to leave you with a few quotes that left an impression on me, but I will try not to reveal too much, so that you are able to enjoy and experience The Shack fully for yourself.
Life takes a bit of time and a lot of relationship.
You, on the other hand, were created to be loved. So for you to live as if you were unloved is a limitation, not the other way around.
Such a powerful ability, the imagination! [...] But without wisdom, imagination is a cruel taskmaster.
I've been discovering lately how certain songs just seem to fit. It's as if the singer gave a voice to the thoughts inside my head, provided a melody for the feelings that were too difficult to understand, let alone describe. Though we may have completely different backgrounds, the songwriter sometimes has this unbelievable ability to speak right to me, make me feel and think.
As I drove back to campus today, I listened to TobyMac for almost two hours. The lyrics are still a bit unfamiliar since I haven't listened to the cd that much since buying it. But a few of his lyrics just stuck with me as I made my way along the turnpike.
Cause I'm letting go of everything I am
And I'm holding on to everything You are
I'm letting go of everything I once was
- from All In (Letting Go)
As I listened to this song, I thought about this idea of letting go, of surrendering to God. And I thought it was interesting that TobyMac talks about letting go of who he is and who he was. But what about who he will be? That's the hardest thing for me to surrender. The Future. Each day is consumed with thoughts of tomorrow and the next day, the next week, the next ten years. I am wary of talking about my "plans" for the future, though. I like to think that God has a great sense of humor, and he probably laughs the hardest when we talk of our plans. Who are we to map out our future?
Yet I am not held back from having hopes and dreams. I imagine the healthy and happy marriage to an amazing husband/best friend, the dream job, etc. And sometimes, I say to God, "Alright, I know this may not be what You have in store. So have Your way in my life. I know that what You have planned for me is so much greater than I could ever imagine." But then other times, I pray, "God, I really hope Your will looks a lot like my hopes and dreams. Because right now, this looks pretty great to me. So if You could move right along so I can see what You have planned, that would be great." For me, the future is so much harder to surrender than the past. It seems like there is so much more at stake. It requires me to abandon this false sense of control over my life, to admit that I'm not calling the shots, to go along for the ride and see what happens. It requires a leap of faith into the arms of my Father. And while it may feel like I am free falling, even plummeting at times, knowing that God is there to catch me makes it worth it all.
As the heavens are higher than the earth,
so are my ways higher than your ways
and my thoughts than your thoughts.
- Isaiah 55:9
