"By the Grace of God I Am What I Am"

This is a long overdue post that I meant to write on November 30, when I was reading Oswald Chambers' "My Utmost for His Highest." And by write, I mean tell you all the great things that Oswald Chambers has to say.

"By the grace of God I am what I am, and His grace toward me was not in vain..." - 1 Corinthians 15:10"

The way we continually talk about our own inabilities is an insult to our Creator. To complain over our incompetence is to accuse God falsely of having overlooked us. [...] Never worry about whether what you say sounds humble before others or not. But always be humble before God, and allow Him to be your all in all. There is only one relationship that really matters, and that is your personal relationship to your personal Redeemer and Lord. If you maintain that at all costs, letting everything else go, God will fulfill His purpose through your life. One individual life may be of priceless value to God's purposes, and yours may be that life.

We complain about our incompetency as much as we acknowledge our imperfection, all in an attempt to achieve some sense of humility. I think, though, that we forget that the standard for perfection is different from the standard for competency. God created perfection; God is perfection. Compared to Jesus' example, we all fall short. We are imperfect. Competency is world-created, based on the people in our lives and in this world who seem to do certain things particularly well. We strive to meet their standard and complain when we do not reach it, but perhaps not all standards of competency are ours to meet.

Glee Episode #4: Preggers

Word of the Day (not so much a recurring word, but a theme): Honesty. In this episode, the characters don't talk about honesty, but instead demonstrate how difficult it is. Though lying and deceit seem so much easier, they only complicate matters in the long run. Honesty will win eventually, and some of the characters realize how much better life is when lived honestly.

Kendra: What do you think he's going to do when he finds out you lied?
Terri: Oh God, I don't know. I've got to tell him the truth. I've got to tell him and I've got to deal with the consequences.
Kendra: Are you insane? Dishonesty is food to a marriage. It will die without it.
It gives me hope that Terri has some sense of morality. She recognizes that the right thing to do is be honest with her husband, though there are consequences for her lies and she may run the risk of losing him. I lose a bit of hope in Terri (and humanity) to see people like her sister Kendra, who think that dishonesty can do anything positive for a marriage, let alone sustain it. Dishonesty is what kills marriages and relationships (though Kendra probably uses it to trick her husband into staying married). Successful relationships, whether a marriage or a friendship, have a foundation of honesty. I can say from experience that the vulnerability required to be honest with someone is very difficult, but it allowed me (and the relationship) to emerge from that moment stronger than before.

Kurt: Finn, I needed to ask you something.
Finn: Thanks, but I already have a date to the prom. But I'm flattered. I know how important dances are to teen gays.
Kurt: I'm not gay.
Finn: Oh.
The ability to be honest is based on trust. You have to trust the other person not to hurt you in that moment of vulnerability. Glee has allowed Kurt and Finn to develop trust in one another, but the social mechanics of high school carry an inherent distrust between classes. Kurt has yet to build enough trust in Finn to be honest about his sexuality, though after this episode that might change.

Sandy: It is so wonderful to finally have some Sandy time. I have my bridge game on Fridays, Saturdays I am fully committed to the local cat rescue...
Sue: Sandy, let's cut the crap.
Sandy: *sobs* I'm living in a cocoon of horror. Yesterday, I ate nine cans of aerosol whipped cream.
It can be hard to admit the truth, especially if it is somewhat shameful. But being honest with yourself is the key to moving forward. Others cannot help or comfort you until you can be honest with yourself.

"I hear this poor girl is so ashamed that she can't tell anybody. Can you imagine having to hide something like that? All that effort covering that up?" - Will
It takes more muscles to frown than to smile. In the same way, it takes more work to maintain a lie than to confess the truth. When will Will realize how much effort Terri is putting into covering up her own mess?

"I'm just somebody who wants to help." - Terri
Half-hearted promises of benevolence can be some of the most damaging lies, because they lead people to develop trust in those they shouldn't trust. These are the kind of lies that lure children into shady vans and trap people in toxic relationships.

Kurt: I have something that I want to say. I'm glad that you're proud of me, but I don't want to lie anymore. Being a part of the glee club and football has really showed me that I can be anything, and what I am is... I'm gay.
Kurt's Dad: I know.
Kurt: Really?
KD: I've known since you were three. All you wanted for your birthday was a pair of sensible heels. I guess I'm not totally in love with the idea, but if that's who you are, there's nothing I can do about it. And I love you just as much. Thanks for telling me, Kurt. You're sure, right?
Kurt: Yeah, Dad. I'm sure.
KD: Just checking.
When a child is different from the parents' hopes or expectations, it can be hard for the parents to accept their child's decision. Not all parents are so accepting as Kurt's dad, whether the matter at hand is careers or sexuality. It was so heartwarming to watch the conversation between Kurt and his dad, to see the unconditional love the father had for his son. My favorite part of the conversation was when Kurt's dad thanked him for coming out to him, because his sexuality wasn't really a secret. The conversation was more so a demonstration of Kurt's trust in his own father.

"To them I say, shake it up a bit. Get out of your box! Even if that box happens to be where you are living... It's not easy to break out of your comfort zone. People will tear you down, tell you you shouldn't have bothered in the first place, but let me tell you something. There's not much difference between a stadium of cheering fans and an angry crowd screaming abuse at you. They're both just making a lot of noise. How you take it is up to you. Convince yourself they're cheering for you. You do that, and someday they will." - Sue
This doesn't have anything to do with honesty... Normally, everything Sue says is offensive to some people group and can be ignored, but I understand what she says here. Perspective has a way of changing the negative to positive. And Sue Sylvester quotes can be more meaningful when you omit the bit about how homeless people should try not being homeless for a change.

The Beauty of Relationships

For someone who enjoys relationships so much and draws energy from being with other people, I haven't had the best track record with maintaining friendships. My elementary school friends didn't carry over to middle school, middle school friends didn't carry over to high school, and my high school friendships exist only on facebook. When I got to college, I decided that this pattern of dropping friends in times of transition needed to end. After all, college was suppose to be the time when you make the friendships that were supposed to last. Now that my friends are scattered around the country, I'm realizing how much effort is required to maintain the relationship. It requires communication (thank goodness for facebook and AIM) and interest.

But the beauty of the relationships that are worth the effort is that sometimes it's almost effortless. I have this one friend who was probably the first friend I made in college, but after graduation we didn't really talk to each other for about 2 to 3 months. When she got engaged, we talked to each other on the phone and the conversation was like not a moment had passed. This weekend, I get to be around campus because of a job interview in town. I have the opportunity to get together with friends while I'm in town, and I have a feeling that it won't feel like I'm visiting. These friends will make me feel like I'm just hanging out with friends - 2 hours from home.

The Pros and Cons of Playing House?

I'm not a big fan of debates. I always find myself at a loss for words, knowing (for the most part) where I stand on the issue but not knowing how to express myself (or defend myself). I may share a thought or two, usually lost in the escalating volume of conversation, before I shut down and sit back to watch the scene unfold. I get overwhelmed by the moment, but I appreciate the subsequent internal struggle as I try to figure out what I believe and what I could have said. And then I can blog about it.

Last night's topic: Pre-marital Cohabitation - Yay or Nay?

There are certainly arguments in favor of cohabitation. It allows the couple to spend more time together, share living expenses, test compatibility, and end the relationship without a messy divorce. Some say that the only way you can truly know your significant other is by living together. Others say that there is no financial sense in paying two rents when couples sleep over at one or the other's place. Certainly all valid arguments, I suppose.

I see myself standing more on the "nay" side of things. I hear people argue that some couples who live together are practically married, but they just don't believe in the institution of marriage. "We don't need a piece of paper to prove we love each other," they say. I say, if you are practically married, why not go ahead and make it a legal status? Married couples can file joint tax returns, act as next-of-kin in medical emergencies, and receive automatic inheritance in the absence of a will among other legal benefits, while cohabiting couples cannot. However, some couples head from cohabitation into marriage, because living together has established barriers to ending the relationship (e.g. shared mortgage, pets, furniture, and children). They marry, even if their relationship is not ready for such a commitment, because they feel trapped.

One of the big arguments against cohabitation is its effect on marriage. Research shows evidence that cohabitation before engagement is associated with lower marriage quality and higher divorce potential. Statistically, couples who lived together before getting married are more likely to divorce than couples who did not live together. Perhaps the correlation between cohabitation and marriage quality is connected to ideas and beliefs about commitment. Cohabitation may create unrealistic ideas about commitment prior to entering a marriage. Couples can easily move in together, and just as easily move out. If cohabitation qualifies as "practically married", or a "trial marriage" as it is often called, and marriage is simply a formality, how easy would it be to call it quits after they say "I do"? Does cohabitation lead couples to think more lightly of actual marriage because it is not much different from this trial period?

While cohabitation may not be much different from marriage in some cases, it seems like a poor imitation of something that is supposed to be sacred and special. Couples may not think much of marriage or realize how special it is supposed to be, because living together in a nominally different situation has lowered their expectations.

Finally, I think it is possible to really know a person without living together. It all depends on how much effort both people put into getting to know each other. What is a person trying to hide if they are a different person when you live with them? What does that say about the level of openness and honesty in the relationship? I cannot think of much you can learn about a person ONLY by living with him or her. Sure, there are the early morning and late night habits. But what does it say about how committed a person is to the relationship if the way he brushes his teeth or the way she sings in the shower is the deal breaker? You can learn just about everything by spending time in conversation with another person. And I think if you can learn so much about a person and still want to marry them, you can learn to live with them. It shouldn't be the other way around.

Resources:
The Pre-Engagement Cohabitation Effect
Qualitative Reports of Problems in Cohabiting Relationships

Mr. Creeper and Visiting Ladyfriend on Relationships

Ever since my staff found out that I have yet to have a first kiss, the topic has found itself as the center of conversation on multiple occasions. Fortunately a few of the girls understand my perspective and recognize that I'm just waiting for the right guy to come along. They see nothing strange about not wanting to kiss some random guy on the street corner on a Saturday night. Others, however, don't get it quite yet. One of the guys [jokingly?] considers it his obligation as a man to ensure that I have my first kiss by the end of the summer. Interactions with him have been rather awkward at times, to say the least. Other times, however, I relish the opportunity to take control of the joke (rather than be the butt of it) and tease him about his ideas of obligation and the title of "creeper" I have given him. Another person asked if I am saving my first kiss for my wedding day, perhaps a la the Duggar family of TLC's "18 Kids and Counting".

After last night's duty shift and one round of mafia at 1:30 am, conversation evolved into somewhat of an interrogation consisting of question after question about kissing and relationships, all directed at me. Have you ever had a boyfriend? Would you kiss a guy who has kissed other girls before? What if he's not a virgin? Then they started asking rather ridiculous questions specific to Mr. Creeper, who in fairness is an okay guy despite the title. Would you kiss a guy who is half-black, half-Mexican (which he isn't. Rather the question was asked by a co-worker's Visiting Ladyfriend, who apparently was misinformed)? What about someone who is wearing a green shirt, jeans, and Chucks the night that you kiss him?

Visiting Ladyfriend said my first kiss should just be a drunken mistake so I can get in some practice. Call me idealist or too traditional, but that's not what I want. Her manfriend asked if I drink, to which I said no. Visiting Ladyfriend called my sobriety my "first mistake". I accepted her comments and judgments solely for their entertainment value.

Then they proceeded to ask about my criteria for a guy I would kiss. I'm still not sure if they were asking out of curiosity or to calculate their odds of making out before the end of the summer. My mind went through my "list" - an actual written list of carefully considered qualities I'm looking for in a guy. Since I'm not planning on kissing just anybody, I suppose kissing and dating criteria are one in the same. Topping the list is strong Christian faith, no question. Cultural sensitivity is also pretty important to me, along with honesty, humor, the ability to maintain conversation, compassion, and a few other qualities.

Before the end of the night, I was called a "rarity", an "anomaly", and "straight out of the book" (referring to Boy Meets Girl by Joshua Harris, author of the ever popular I Kissed Dating Goodbye). I was presented with hypothetical (or "hypothetical" and not so subtle?) situations such as "What if you meet a guy - maybe you work with him - and you really hit it off, but he's not an 'active' Christian?" There were other questions like, "Have you ever really liked a guy and been tempted to kiss him?" (to which I say, I may be conservative and traditional, but I am human. And there's nothing inherently evil about kissing or intimacy, but rather the opposite. It's supposed to be something special, something that I don't want to share with just anyone). The whole conversation was rather amusing, though not entirely enjoyed, but thought-provoking at least. I was grateful for the distraction of impromptu waltz lessons that drew everyone's attention away from the conversation at hand. I'm inclined to think I haven't seen the end of this conversation.